Epic
by Mird
Summary: Because this fic is, indeed, epic. -Crackfic- Chapter Twenty Five: Parental RoyEd- In which undying love is confessed
1. Introduction

**I cannot even begin to describe the amazing amount of effort exerted in the process of writing this remarkably brilliant piece of literature.**

Chapter One

Introduction

It began with a Mary Sue.

She wasn't an exceptional Mary Sue; shining chestnut hair, glistening sapphire orbs, a single automail limb, a dead sister. Her author typed with a frequently-used thesaurus next to her computer, resting on a pile of yet-to-be-scanned fan art.

Really, she was a typical Mary Sue in every way.

There was nothing intriguing, well-thought-out or even review worthy about her. No realistic backstory, no character flaws. Her personality was an unfinished list of qualities in an MSWord document typed in comic sans.

It is certainly fair to say that this Mary Sue is nothing out of the ordinary here in the land of FFnet.

It is safe to say that she didn't deserve what she got.

It is safe to say that she simply got lucky.


	2. Al is Kidnapped

**Ten brownie points to the first person to name the reference in this fic.**

Chapter Two

Al is Kidnapped

Ed kicked down Colonel Mustang's door because he knew that it _didn't_ cost money to replace a broken door every time he thoughtlessly destroyed it. Manly tears were streaming down his manly face, which was twisted and contorted with manly angst.

"Taisa-kun-chan-kawaii-desu!" he sobbed. "Comfort me, O high and mighty Father Figure because you are the closest thing to a father that I will ever have!"

"Oh, Edo-kun-chan-kawaii-desu!" Roy said as he covered his mouth with his hand. Watery emotion filled his obsidian orbs. "Do you really mean that?"

"Y-yes," Ed sniffled. He clutched Roy's shirt and sobbed into it until it was soaking wet and dripping with his manly tears. Roy rubbed Ed's back reassuringly.

"Don't worry, Edo-kun-chan-kawaii-desu," he said soothingly. "It'll be okay. Now, what angst is currently troubling your poor, poor little mind?"

"D-don't call me small," Ed sniffled, because even in moments of extreme sadness and angst, over-used "comical" lines must be added. "I'm crying because... Because..." Another load of tears leaped from his watery orbs. "Oooohh, it's just too much, Taisa-kun-chan-kawaii-desu!"

"What? Edo-kun-chan-kawaii-desu, please, please just tell me! I can help you!" Roy shouted in an unnecessarily loud voice. "I'm here for you, Edo! I always am! I always will be!"

Ed continued to sob. "A-Al... W-was... K-kidnapped," he managed to choke out.

Roy gasped theatrically. "Oh no! But Al is so young and innocent and he doesn't know how to fight and/or use alchemy! He's so completely _vulnerable_!"

"I know!" Ed choked out. "He'll never survive! It's impossible for him to knock out a single unarmed villain because that is _such a challenge_!"

"How will he ever survive without his darling big brother?" Roy wondered, his voice concerned. He placed his hand over his heart. "Heaven forbid!"

"We should form a search party of every member of the military to hunt down that terrible person and save my darling widdle brother," Ed suggested.

"No!" Mustang exclaimed. "It is essential that we keep this a secret!"

Ed looked confused. "What? Why?"

"Because I said so."

"But... Wouldn't it be better if we had more people looking for him?"

"No."

"Why not?"

"Because shut up."

Edward shut up.

"Now, since it is impossible for just the two of us to defeat a single unarmed villain, we will need another person to come along with us..."

"Yeah," said Ed. "Maybe we could bring the entire military."

"I thought I told you to shut up," Roy snapped. "Hmm, let's think... Havoc, Breda, Fuery, Falman, Hawkeye... No, they're all too experienced."

"Oh, experience and skill is bad," Ed agreed. "We should bring someone who's completely new to the military, has no experience whatsoever and will probably jeopardize the entire mission with their extreme lack of knowledge. Plus, she has to be female, and none of the people on that list are female. Except for Fuery."

"Great idea!" said Mustang. "But she has to be sexy."

"Nah," said Ed. "Cute is the new sexy. She has to be cute and short-tempered."

"And young."

"Cute, short-tempered and young," Ed said. "Where could we find a new military recruit who's cute, short-tempered and young?"

"Hmm..." said Roy.

"Hmm..." said Ed.

"... Wal-Mart?"

"No, no," Ed said. He tapped his chin in thought. "Er... Let's see..."

"I've got it!" Roy exclaimed.

"You've got it?"

"Yes. Stop talking."

Ed stopped talking.

"Why didn't I think of this before?" Roy asked himself. He grinned in self-satisfaction. "It has a surplus of cute/sexy/short-tempered/young new state alchemists!"

"The Mary Sue home planet!" Ed said excitedly. "Where's that?"

"Where else?" said Roy. "Follow me to the land of FFnet!"

And so they began the descent to the underworld.

* * *

**And Al was completely erased from Ed's mind to make room for the oh-so-exciting cute, short-tempered, young, female state alchemist. Excitin'.**


	3. Mary Sues

**All right. I'm sick and tired of this. I keep getting reviews from people complaining that "while reading this, I choked!" Are you stupid? If there's a possibility that you might laugh while reading something, does it not make sense to **_**not eat **_**while doing so?**

**Because of this, I have decided to post this warning at the beginning of all my crackfics:**

**ATTENTION. Do not eat while reading this fine piece of literature. I will not be held responsible for choking victims. Be cautious, be safe, look both ways before you cross the street. Thank you.**

**For those who've already read chapters one and two (which should be all of you), I apologize sincerely. You have put your lives at risk and survived. Truly, you are extremely intelligent and/or very, very lucky. I can assure you that this fic will be ten times safer from here on out.**

Chapter Three

Mary Sues

At some point in the life of every young fanfic author, a very important, if uncomfortable question will arise. It is vital that you be open and honest with these curious children, even if you don't feel that they're ready to hear the truth.

The question comes seemingly out of thin air-- you are anything but prepared when she asks it.

"Mommy," she asks, "where do Mary Sues come from?"

You bite your lip. You adjust your collar. You bite your lip again. "That," you say, "is an excellent question." You cough. You stall.

"Are you gonna tell me?" she asks. Her eyes are so pure, so innocent, so-- so--

So stupid.

But you pity her. After all, she's new to FFnet. She doesn't know the ropes. She's still fueled by that relentless enthusiasm, that delightful delusion of skill from a few measly reviews. That beautiful state of utter ignorance.

It can't hurt to tell her.

"Well," you begin, "when a muse and a fanfic writer love each other very much, they decide to express that love in a physical way."

"Oh," she says.

"Does that answer your question?"

"Not really."

You flinch. "Er, ah, well, what else do you need to know?"

"What _kind _of physical way?" she asks. "What do they do?"

"Well," you say. "Well. Er. The muse... Attaches herself to the fanfic author's brain for a few days... And then the brain gets all fat. And, er, pregnant."

"So it's like when Auntie Jill had her baby?" she asks.

"In a way, yes," you reply. "Except the Mary Sue only takes approximately three days to develop. And she's ten times more beautiful, smart, witty and talented than anyone else could ever hope to be."

"Then what happens?"

"When the Mary Sue is born, her parents-- the muse and the fanfic author-- spend a few more days raising her to be the best Mary Sue she can be."

"Wow," she says. Her eyes are so wide and curious and still incredibly stupid. "I bet they're great parents, kind and loving in every w-"

"Not at all," you say briskly, cutting her short. "They throw as much shit at her as they can think of. Dead relatives, missing limbs, destroyed homes, crushed dreams, lost love, more missing limbs-- after a few days of this, they give her a state alchemist title, a single character flaw and kick her out to fend for herself while they watch and laugh and eat pocky." By now, you've completely abandoned your, sweet, sugar-coated open-and-honest way of speaking. You're giving her the facts.

"They kick them out?" she says, bewildered. "But... But where do they go?"

"Where else?" You laugh harshly, bitterly. "FFnet."


	4. The Unfinished Fanfiction Center

**The pace is too fast in this chapter, IMO. Please ignore.**

**Don't worry, more Sue-ish-ness and Fanfiction-ish-ness will come in eventually. Sorry for the irritating, OC-filled beginning.**

Chapter Four

The Unfinished Fanfiction Center

The Unfinished Fanfiction Center was in chaos.

Red lights were flashing, alarms were ringing and the sound of hammering footsteps echoed throughout the corridors. Confused shouts filled the air as everyone asked everyone else what the hell was going on.

"What's going on?!" roared a young man with frightening power, a frightening glare, a frightening job and a frighteningly un-frightening name.

"It's the Mary Sues, Captain Johnny, sir," Cecilia informed him, shouting through the terrible din. "They're wanted."

"Wanted?" Johnny snorted. "Please. They weren't even wanted by their own creators--"

"--which is why they're here," Cecilia finished for him. "I've heard that speech at least a hundred times, sir." She adjusted her glasses. Her shouting voice remained calm despite the urgency around her. "But, this is the place where dreams never, ever come true, except for sometimes when they do-- at least one Mary Sue is bound to get lucky."

"That's impossible!"

"Even so, sir, I suggest that we go to the Mary Sue holding facility to see what all the commotion is about."

"Right. You! You, you and you! And you!" he barked pointing an accusing finger at five guards, who immediately froze upon being addressed by him. "Come with us!"

"Yes, sir!" shouted the tallest among them, a man with red hair and a sharp jaw. He saluted, although Johnny didn't see-- he was already turned around, walking quickly in the other direction with Cecilia at his side. The five guards rushed to catch up.

The metal corridor was curved ever so slightly, forming a giant underground complex of hallways and rooms. Every so often, the group would pass an opening that led into a smaller, thinner corridor. If it weren't for the years they'd spent wandering the tunnels, they'd have gotten utterly lost within a minute. Every turn revealed more of the same.

They walked quickly and purposefully. The guards seemed nervous, though Johnny didn't notice, as he was staring directly ahead and the guards were not directly ahead of him-- they were directly behind him and, therefore, could not be seen.

Cecilia didn't notice the guards' nervousness because she was busy talking into something that vaguely resembled a cell phone.

While they continued walking quickly and purposefully and being nervous and not noticing the nervousness of others, Mird will explain what, exactly, the UFC is (confused readers are not happy readers), as the walk to the Mary Sue holding facility is a long one and one can only read about people walking quickly and purposefully and being nervous and not noticing the nervousness of others for so long before dying of boredom. Dead readers are not happy readers.

Have you ever started writing a fanfic that you never got around to finishing? Of course you have. Who finishes fanfics nowadays, anyways?

Where do you think the characters go? Not just the OCs, but your own takes on the canon characters as well. Surely you didn't think that they just disappeared!

"Hmm," you say. "That's an excellent question. Where _do_ they go?"

To the Unfinished Fanfiction Center, of course. When they arrive, they're carefully sorted and each individual character is sent to his or her holding facility. Edwards are sent to the Edward holding facility, Roys to the Roy holding facility, Rizas to the Riza holding facility, etc.

While Cecilia and Johnny and the others walked, a new emergency was making itself apparent in the northeast corner of the UFC-- an Animeverse Alphonse had somehow wandered into the Post-Manga emaciated Alphonse recovery center and was driving the nurses, who were loyal to the manga, completely and totally insane. They waved him away with their copies of volume 21, thus allowing him to wander the hallways some more.

Animeverse Alphonse made his way to the Edward holding facility, where he was astonished by approximately one million and seventeen copies of his brother, all confined in one ridiculously large cage.

"Wow," he breathed, amazed. "Brother! Brother! Other brother! Nii-san!"

"Kawaii-neko-desu," Nii-san replied as he twitched his chimera-kitty ears. He glanced at the two yaoi Eds were making out near the northern wall and rolled his eyes. "Neko-san-chan-desu-kawaii," he muttered with a smirk.

"Er, nice to meet you, too," said Animeverse Alphonse.

"FUCK!"

"Huh?" said Animeverse Alphonse.

"Fucking hell! Shit and damn and bitch and fuck and Voldemort!" one of the Eds yelled as he stuck his middle finger through the bars of his prison. "Fuck the world! I LOVE SWEARING."

"That's, er, nice," Animeverse Alphonse said timidly.

"EEEEEK!" screamed fem!Ed. "I'm being sexually harassed!"

"You think your life sucks?" said Angsty Ed angstily. "I have automail."

"Yeah, well, so does every other Ed in this goddamn cage," said guilty Ed. "You know who's really unfortunate? Al. He's stuck in a cage all his own, alone--"

"Actually, I'm, er, okay now..." Animeverse Alphonse said.

"Oh," said Guilty Ed awkwardly. "Well. That's good, I guess."

"Yeah, well..." Animeverse Alphonse said. He took a step towards the door.

"Wait!" Another Ed reached the bars of the cage and tugged on Al's shirt. "Can you give this to a Winry for me? Preferably an OOC romantic one, as it's a sappy love letter."

"I don't see why not," said Animeverse Alphonse. He took the letter and stuffed it into his pocket before leaving the room as quickly as humanly possible.

"Hmm," Animeverse Alphonse said to himself as he stared at the giant map that was stretched out in front of him. "What's the fastest way to get to the Winry holding facility..." He traced a route around the high school AU classrooms, past the Envy holding facility and through the food court.

"Aha!" he exclaimed. A passing guard gave him a weird look. "A shortcut!" He turned to his right and ran off, his shoes squeaking on the polished floor.

While Aniverse Alphonse burned to death the 100 themes list library, which had been set on fire by an escaped exaggerated-pyromaniac Roy, Captain Johnny, Cecilia and the five guards arrived at the Mary Sue holding facility.

"Er, if you don't mind me asking, sir," one of the guards began anxiously, "why is the door locked so... thoroughly?"

"These are Mary Sues we're talking about," Captain Johnny said as he turned the key in the first of the seventeen locks on the giant steel door. Some locks were opened by keys, others by sequences of numbers and others by ridiculously difficult (and/or easy) puzzles. "What on earth would we do if they got out? It's essential that they're securely locked in their cage."

"Sir," said Cecilia as she closed her object that vaguely resembled a cell phone. "This situation is even more drastic than I thought."

"How so?" Johnny said as he tried and desperately failed to solve the puzzle that opened lock number four. He groaned. "This is too hard… Does anyone have a hint coin?"

"Mird needs a Mary Sue," Cecilia said simply.

Johnny blinked. "Is that so?" he said. "And what would she do with it?"

Cecilia shrugged. "What do you think?"

"I haven't the foggiest," Johnny admitted. "What _does _she need a Mary Sue for?"

"That's just the thing," said Cecilia. "I really don't know."

"Hmm," said Johnny. "Well. I'd prefer it if the cameras were pointed elsewhere until I finish unlocking everything in a burst of pure genius."

* * *

"I've got it!" shouted Johnny as he finished unlocking everything in a burst of pure genius. Cecilia and to guards braced themselves as Johnny pushed open the door to reveal a giant To Be Continued sign.


	5. Chapter Five

**Guess what, you guys? Epic thinks I've been cheating on him! That I've been writing some other fanfic! Isn't that ridiculous? Tell him, you guys! Tell him that it's not true! Tell him that my love for him is undying, that I would never write another fic at his expense. It was just School. You know School, don't you, Epic? Don't be jealous! I'd /much/ rather spend time with you than with School! Tell him that, all of you. You know. You know that I speak the truth. You've all been in the same situation, haven't you? Does he understand now? He does? Good. You know that I'd never abandon you, Epic.**

Chapter Five-- In which nothing very exciting happens

Disturbing amounts of whispering and/or shrieking girls stared out the bars of their cage. They pushed and prodded each other, trying to get from the middle of the swarm of Sues to the front of the cage so that they could see what was happening.

The guards shrank back. Though they had worked at the Unfinished Fanfiction Center for years, none of them had ever set foot inside the Mary Sue holding facility. It was truly nightmare-ish.

"Captain Johnny, sir, if you don't mind, I'd like to say that this atrocious number of Mary Sues has made me jizz in my pants."

"Be quiet, soldier," Johnny barked.

"Excuse me," said the guard. "I have a name, you know. I'm not 'soldier.'"

"What's your name?"

"Sam."

"Be quiet, Sam," said Johnny.

Sam was quiet.

"ATTENTION, MARY SUES!" Johnny shouted. The Mary Sues gave him their attention. "I HAVE AN ANNOUNCEMENT!"

"Please stop shouting," said a cute, timid Mary Sue. "We can all hear you."

"NO, I DON'T THINK YOU CAN," shouted Johnny. "I WILL CONTINUE SHOUTING UNTIL I AM FINISHED. I HAVE A MESSAGE TO DELIVER. PLEASE SEPARATE YOURSELVES INTO GROUPS."

"What kind of groups?" asked a short, but fierce, Sue. "Is this by age or height? Or sex?"

"We're all girls," pointed out an older Sue (who was, in theory, "badass") with tattoos covering her entire body. "No one makes male OCs anymore."

"BE QUIET!" Johnny roared. The Mary Sues stopped talking and simply stood around, looking pretty. The guards cowered in fear of their beauty and hid behind Cecilia.

"Captain Johnny, sir, I think it would be best if I took it from here," Cecilia said sweetly. "I'm worried that you might be scaring them."

"I'm not scared!" one of the Sues yelled desperately. Her eyes shone with fear. "Oh, God, no! NO! I'm not scared! As long as Ed is safe--"

"YOU ARE NOT FOOLING ANYONE!" roared Johnny.

"You don't need to shout anymore, sir. They can all hear you."

"Deaf-Sue can't hear you," pointed out Blind-Sue. "I can hear you fine, but I can't see you. Would you like to watch me angst?"

"Mute-Sue can hear you just fine, too, and she wishes you'd just shut up already, nya," said kawaii-neko-desu-chimera-kitty-Sue.

"Attention!" Cecilia shouted through her cupped hands. The Sues fell silent (for the most part) once again. "I have a list of Sue types that Mird needs."

Waves of excited whispers swept over the crowd of Sues. There was no real explanation for their excited whispers; they just liked whispering excitedly.

"Every Sue," she shouted, "will put their name in the drawing for the appropriate category. The categories are..."

Boring. Yes, very boring indeed. In fact, I may as well just skip this part of the fic entirely.

Instead of describing the ever-so-boring Sue-selection process, I will switch the focus to a conversation between Johnny and an endangered subspecies of OC-- the Round Character.

"We aren't gonna be included in this contest are we?" asked a young girl named Elizabeth.

"NO," shouted Johnny, "NO, YOU ARE NOT."

"Figures," said Elizabeth. "I guess my lack of automail and dead relatives is just too boring for fanfic readers."

"YES, THAT IS RIGHT," Johnny shouted.

Margaret grimaced. "Stop shouting. That got old paragraphs ago." She pulled a cigarette out of her pocket. "Mind if I smoke?"

Someone started an immature fake coughing fit. Margaret shot the little bugger a glare, lit her cigarette and dropped dead. Smoking kills. (1)

"Why are we here?" William asked with a sigh. "Are you ever going to build a Round Character holding facility?"

Johnny's face darkened. In truth, the Round Character holding facility was never going to be built-- The President thought that it was a waste of time and materials, seeing as Round Characters were so rare. However, Johnny knew that telling them this would be a mistake. Their reactions would be too varied and interesting-- he had no doubt that the heads of any nearby Sues would explode at the sight of their realistic behavior.

"Er, tomorrow," said Johnny. "Or maybe some other day. I'm not entirely sure."

"Will tomorrow-or-some-other-day be soon?" asked William.

"It depends," Johnny began, picking each word out very carefully, "on how far away from today that day is."

"The Round Character holding facility is never gonna be built, is it?" said Elizabeth.

"No," said Johnny. "It's not. But please don't have an interesting reaction. That would be bad."

"I knew it," she said. She rolled her eyes, sighed and sat down on the cold, gray, and disturbingly boring cement floor. "I'll just sit here and angst in an interesting way."

"Yeah, well," said Johnny, who was mentally beating himself for not keeping the secret, "you do that, then."

"I will."

"Captain Johnny, sir," said Cecilia. "The Mary Sues have been picked."

"Already?" said Johnny. "Hey, that's good! I just managed to avoid boring the readers by switching the focus from a Mary Sue selection something-or-another to a discussion with some Round Characters!"

"Actually, the Mary Sue selection wasn't all that boring," said Cecilia.

"Wasn't it?"

"It wasn't."

"Huh," said Johnny. "Well. That's nice, I suppose. Where are the Sues who were selected so un-boringly?"

"They're in a suite specially designed for keeping them safe until Mird needs them delivered. The first one's being sent as we speak."

"Hey, so you can make a special suite appear out of thin air for Mird's oh-so-important Sues, but you can't build a simple Round Character holding facility?!" Elizabeth yelled. "Bastard!"

"Cecilia, I'd very much like to leave. Go tell the guards."

"Yes, sir." Cecilia told the guards.

For the record, the guards were standing in a circle discussing Glee and drinking diet soda.

* * *

Exactly one day later, the first Sue arrived in Mustang's office.

* * *

**(1) I wanted to try writing something with a moral for once (the moral being "smoking kills"). I got bored. Nyeh.**

**In other news, tomorrow morning (Monday, January 11th****), I'm leaving for a five day school trip in northern Minnesota. I'll reply to reviews and stuff when I get back-- unless my fingers take too long to thaw. :/**


	6. The First Sue

**Luna's rambley thoughts are annoying to write…**

Chapter Six

The First Sue-- In which Ed sits in a possibly comfortable chair

The first Sue had arrived.

It was her first time setting foot in the land of FFnet in years. The ground felt strange under her flawless feet. The air was crisp and fresh in her perfect lungs. The songs of the birds sounded beautiful to her dazzling ears-- which was strange, as there were no birds present.

At this point, Stephanie Meyer demanded that Mird give her thesaurus back and the adjectives lost their dull Sue-ity.

"I have a mission," Luna (1) whispered to herself.

It was true. Luna had a mission.

"I don't know what my mission is, though."

It was true. She did not know what her mission was.

Suddenly, she was struck by the overwhelming desire to go to Roy's office and inadvertently make Ed fall in love with her.

"What fun," she said to herself happily as she skipped down the hall, attracting stares from nameless, faceless military extras all the while.

"Where did she come from?" one nameless, faceless military extra whispered to another.

"The deepest reaches of a teenage girl's imagination," replied the other nameless, faceless military extra. "It happens all the time. It rains young, cute girls here."

"Huh," said the first nameless, faceless military extra. "Well. Fancy that."

---

Luna's POV

I knocked lightly on the door to Mustang's office. I had a mission. It was my mission. I was determined to finish the mission that happened to be mine for the simple reason that _it was mine_, and mine alone, and the purpose of the mission was to complete previously mentioned mission. Because it was my mission.

I do not share my missions.

"Come in," came Mustang's voice from his office, which was completely empty, if you excluded his presence from the not-presence of everyone else in the world. I stepped into the room and it became somewhat less empty with my sudden magnificent presence.

And then I realized that the room was even less empty than I had originally thought.

Sitting in a comfortable chair (I did not truly know whether it was comfortable or not; I was simply making an educated guess, a leap of faith. If asked, I, too, would sit in one of those chairs, despite the fact that I was unsure of how comfortable or uncomfortable they were. I am a brave human being like that.) was a boy with blond hair and gold eyes. But I, being the deep and intelligent person that I am, saw past his physical appearance. I peered inside of him. I saw the regret in his soul-- the sadness, the guilt, the misery. I saw that ham and cheese sandwich that he'd eaten for lunch.

And I saw his heart. His heart which was, clearly, still beating, unlike the heart of-- but no! I wrenched my mind away from such thoughts.

"Who's this?" I asked, jerking my thumb at the boy sitting in the possibly-comfortable chair before Mustang's desk. He glowered back at me. I felt small inside.

"Luna, this is Edward," Mustang explained. "Edward, this is Luna. You'll be working together on your next mission."

Unless you have short term memory loss (an extremely unfortunate condition), you will remember that, just a few paragraphs ago, I mentioned my feelings towards shared missions. If you have already forgotten, I suggest scrolling up and reading through it again.

Now that the knowledge of my feelings towards shared missions is securely wedged into your mind, I think you will agree that it is thoroughly ridiculous for Colonel Mustang to send me on a mission that I would have to share with a young boy named Edward who seemed to be fond of ham and cheese sandwiches.

At this point, you are surely thinking, _"Poor Luna, forced to do something that she doesn't want to do. I tremble at the thought of her misery. I think I will call up Mustang and explain the situation to him. Yes, that will surely help matters."_ Please put the phone down, as it will _not_ help matters. In case you haven't noticed, I've been writing all of this in past tense; in other words, it has already happened. If you somehow manage to make a call into the past and stop Mustang from sending me on this mission, this entire story would become very boring and would no longer deserve its title. But thank you for caring.

"Why do I have to go on a mission with _her_?" Edward snapped. "I work alone!"

"Ed, it rains Mary Sues here. You should be used to going on missions with other people by now."

"Well, if it makes any difference at all, I'd like to say that _I_ don't want to go on a mission with _you_ either," I said as I placed my hands on my hips attractively.

"I hate you," he said, wanting me.

Would ya look at that? I had only been in that nearly-empty room for ten minutes (realistic timelines are for losers-- if it takes me five minutes to write, it takes five minutes to read) and Edward was already madly in love with me. I could tell by the way that he was picking his nose. You see, I'm an expert at reading sign language.

At that point, a sudden worry attacked my nearly unattackable brain. _"Oh no,"_ I thought angstily, _"Bad things happen when guys fall in love with me. I know this from experience, and experience is the greatest teacher, although when an experience is as bad as the experience that I previously experienced, wouldn't some call it a BAD greatest teacher? And what if that bad greatest teacher decided that I failed when it last taught me and feels the need to repeat the lesson in some kind of mind-game summer-school? It isn't even summer! What a terrible teacher-- doesn't even know its seasons. Such a stupid buttbrain (2) does not deserve to even consider extending my genius through lessons of experience. I do not need experience. My name is Luna."_

I opened my mouth with the intention of saying something to dissuade Edward from falling madly in love with me (something along the lines of "I have cooties," or "I'm a sparkly vampire." Those things are bound to drive of obsessed lovers.) but, alas, Roy had already ordered us to leave. By the time I even got out a syllable of the poetic beauty that are my words, I was on the train with a brooding, angsty Edward. He stuck out his tongue at me. I felt crushed.

"Why do I have to go on a mission with _you_?" he muttered.

"Why do I have to go on a mission with you?" means exactly what it sounds like it means in English-- it means that the speaker is on a train with a Mary Sue who he will surely fall madly in love with over the course of the next few chapters. But in the ancient and strange Sue-language (3), "Why do I have to go on a mission with you?" directly translates to "please reveal your angsty past so I can use it as an excuse to fall madly in love with you."

I happen to be an expert at body language, sign language, English, Latin, Pig Latin, Japanese, Italian, French and Sue-language, and I occasionally slip into one of those languages when I speak. So instead of answering Edward's question of "Why do I have to go on a mission with you?", I simply confessed to all the misery of my tragic past.

* * *

**Sorry for this weird chapter ending. I wanted to post before leaving for school and that just wouldn't have happened if I hadn't stopped where I did. You should be thanking me.**

**(1) Luna is a Sue name. I'm sorry. If I read a fic and an OC named Luna appears, then I just, like, stop reading. She could be the roundest character on the face of the planet-- I honestly just don't give a shit. Only one character can pull off the name Luna, and that is the almighty Loony Lovegood herself. Just… Just don't even try.**

**(2) Hoorah for childish insults!**

**(3) Yes, I am taking Sue-language in high school. When I get there.**


	7. Character Flaws

"**Wow!" you say. "Two updates in one day? Mird, you must actually care about us!"**

**No I don't. Ijustlovethisstorylots.**

**Also, I just realized that the Sue mentioned in chapter one hasn't found her way into the story yet. Epiiiiic plot hole.**

Chapter Seven

Character Flaws-- In which Luna rambles, because she is most definitely NOT a Sue

"When I was a baby, my dad tried to sacrifice me in some kind of insane alchemic ritual," I said angstily, wiping a tear from the corner of my bright purple orb.

"That's terrible," Ed breathed, instantly transforming into some sort of kind and caring super-boyfriend.

"Yes, well," I said quietly. "I've learned to live with the knowledge that my father is a nutjob. I am an extremely strong human being in that way."

"What's his name?"

"He doesn't have one."

Ed blinked. "Er. Why not?"

"He doesn't need one," I explained matter-of-factly. "He exists only for the purpose of giving me a backstory and appearing in my flashbacks every now and then. When he's not doing that, he just disappears. Kind of like how kindergarteners imagine that their teachers go into sleep mode at the school when they aren't teaching." (1)

"Oh," said Ed. "That makes sense."

"Of course it makes sense. Everything I say makes sense, unless, of course, it doesn't make sense, in which case it probably wasn't said by me-- it was most likely Mird playing little mind games and making me quote stupid things that no one's ever heard of." I sat back, feeling satisfied, and enjoyed the massage-like feeling of the train, which was rattling along the tracks. Unfortunately, it caused no pain, or relief, or any other interesting feeling in my automail limb, because I had none. I made a mental note to change that at some point in the near future.

"You ramble a lot," Ed said observantly.

"It's a character flaw," I explained. "My writer was very wary of Sues, because no one likes Sues. She decided that Sues have no character flaws, and no one likes Sues, so I should therefore be the opposite, because then I won't be a Sue, and so people will me and will, by association, also like her."

"She must be smart if she managed to make you so not-Sue-ish," Ed said, his voice laced with admiration.

"Yes," I said as I adjusted my size 32E bra, blinked my deep blue eyes, smiled sweetly, ate some pocky, read a classic novel and sneezed out some jewel-encrusted golden boogers. "Now you know where I get it from."

* * *

Two years previously

* * *

**edwardelricluvr4evr**: hiiiii!!!1

**neko_kitty_katie94**: omg jessieeeee!!!

**edwardelricluvr4evr**: guess wat? im thinking of writin a fanfiction for FMA!!!

**neko_kitty_katie94**: omg srsly? can i help make the oc????

**edwardelricluvr4evr**: lol sure. i already started kinda tho so ya........ her names luna cuz u know japanese names r mary sueish and i dont want 2 make a mary sue so ya

**neko_kitty_katie94**: ooo ya good idea..... ooo i have an idea for a state alchemist title!!! the shadow alchemist like she could make shadows move and do stuff or something idk

**edwardelricluvr4evr**: omg kewl but she needs an interestiong past but all the ocs do human transmutation and have automail so i dont want 2 do dat

**neko_kitty_katie94**: hmmmmmm..... um mabs her dad could be some weirdo creeper alchemist (lolz) and try to sacrifice her and she sees the truth gate thingy??? cuz she needs 2 b able 2 transmute without circles 2 b in da military cuz otherwise no 1 that young would get in thats the only reason ed got in

**edwardelricluvr4evr**: ya omg thnx these r awesome ideaz katiee!!!!! im going 2 start writing soon but 1st she needs character flaws cuz mary sues dont have those and she cant b a mary sue (like i said b4)

**neko_kitty_katie94**: ummm mabs she could b rly rambley?? its a dumb idea srry i just came up with it off the top of my head......

**edwardelricluvr4evr**: omg nooo thats an awesome ideea!!!!1 im going 2 write the first chapter now kk ttyl~!!! (2)

Four months passed. Luna the Shadow Alchemist became very popular among her (somewhat limited amount of) readers.

Then, edwardelricluvr4evr started signing onto FFnet less... and less... and less... Until all her readers took a hint and decided that Luna's story may as well have been discontinued for the number of updates they were getting.

Luna was sent to the Unfinished Fanfiction Center, where she stayed for a good two years until that fateful day all the way back in chapter four.

* * *

**(1) There's a rumor that Mrs. Cope (science teacher) lives in the computer annex at school. She has a mattress and a mini fridge in there.**

**(2) I kind of died inside while writing this bit…**

**By the way, if edwardelricluvr4evr and neko_kitty_katie94 actually exist… I, er, didn't mean it. Um. Sorry.**


	8. Chubbles Doesn't Have an Idea

**It's been about two weeks since I updated… SORRRYYYY I FAAAAIL. D:**

Chapter Eight

Chubbles Doesn't Have an Idea-- In which Alphonse uses a mysterious Something

Al stood on a street corner, doing the only thing Al ever does; picking up stray kittens and hiding them away in his armor. His giant, metal body radiated innocence. The huge mass of steel that his soul was bound to made it obvious that he was a vulnerable teenage boy and had no means of protection against evildoers and stereotypical villains.

Al angstily sighed and angstily angsted about his lack of fangirls.

"I wish Brother would hurry up and get my body back already," Al said to himself angstily, "Maybe then I'd have more fangirls."

One of the cats meowed. "Meow," said the cat.

Al gasped. "That's brilliant, Chubbles! I'll do something angst-inducing and then all the reviews for the fic will all be like 'OMG POOR AAAAALLL I LUV HIM'! Such popularity! But what should I do...?"

"Meow," said Chubbles. Chubbles licked his paws and pissed on Al's foot.

Al thought that this was an absolutely brilliant plan. In his pocket (if you ask where that pocket is located, hoping for an answer, you will be extremely disappointed. If you ask where that pocket is located, not hoping for an answer, you will be escorted for the building for wasting my precious time.) was a Something. This particular Something looks a lot like how a cell phone looks, works a lot like how a cell phone works, but isn't used nearly as often as a cell phone is used. In fact, it was getting rather dusty in that un-located pocket of his. Every fanfiction character carries one, unbeknownst to their writers (except for Mird, of course, because Mird is all-knowing), but none of them ever use it. Why? For the simple reason that they just don't know what they're for.

This particular Alphonse, however, knew exactly what the Something that vaguely resembled a cell phone was for (the reader, however, will just have to figure it out), as his writer was Mird the all-knowing and she had decided that it would be plot-relevant for her to teach him. He pulled the Something out of his pocket and dialed with his huge fingers (which represented his fragility and tenderness).

* * *

Johnny was eating a bagel.

It was a very nice bagel, piled up with cream cheese. He had bought for $1.50 at the food court, and he decided, after taking one bite, that it was money well spent.

Please don't let the bagel mislead you. It may sound important, but it really isn't. In fact, this particular bagel is almost as unimportant as the fact that Johnny was wearing an ugly UFC uniform, or the fact that he kicked off his shoes because they were hurting his feet, or the fact that the phone was ringing.

No. Scratch that. The fact that the phone was ringing is a very important fact, as it shows that the phone was not, despite popular opinion, broken. The ringing of the phone is very, very important. If you're taking notes, you probably want to jot that down.

Johnny raised an eyebrow. "Huh," he said, "I guess the phone isn't broken after all." He sat there for a moment, contemplating the unbroken-ness of the phone, until he realized that one usually answers a phone when one hears it ringing. This, to him, sounded like a fine idea, so he answered the phone.

"Hello?"

"Hello. This is Alphonse Elric."

"Whose Alphonse Elric?"

"I am."

"No, whose Alphonse Elric are you?"

"Yes, I am."

"You aren't making sense," said Johnny. "Good bye." Johnny hung up the phone.

* * *

Al stared at the Something in his hand. He stared at Chubbles. He stared at the Something in his hand again.

"Chubbles," he said, "that was a terrible idea."

"Meow," said Chubbles. In Catese, this means, "I didn't tell to do that, you thick-skulled moron. It was your own idea and I think you should shut the fuck up and leave me alone until I decide that you're too annoying to handle and piss on you until you rust."

Al, however, was not an experienced Catese speaker and, therefore, got "Meow" confused with the similar and easily confused phrase "Meow," which means, "I'm sorry, darling Alphonse, for giving you an unhelpful plan. Please forgive me for being such a silly kitten."

"Oh, Chubbles," said Alphonse, "I forgive you. You know what? It _wasn't_ a terrible plan. I'll try again."

"Meow," said Chubbles.

* * *

"Hello?"

"Hello. This is Alphonse Elric."

"Whose Alphonse Elric?"

"It doesn't matter who I am. I need a stereotypical villain for my fanfic. Do you deliver?"

"Yes, we do."

"Good. Deliver."

"Right away, sir!" Johnny hung up the phone. He took another bite of his bagel and smiled to himself. He had just experienced the first and second time that the phone had rung in all of UFC history. Before that moment, he found phone duty to be a waste of his time. His life had new meaning.

"Surely sending a stereotypical villain to a random Alphonse Elric won't cause any chaos in the Mary Sue holding facility approximately one week from today!" he said, foreshadowing.

He laughed and then was serious.

* * *

**The next update will be soon, I (sort of) promise. I have homework. And I have to write a Newbery award winning novel about opening a locker door. So nyeh. I'm busy.**


	9. Finding Alphonse

**I feel such an idiot while writing this fic... Even though it's a parody. *sob***

Chapter Nine

Finding Alphonse-- In which Luna runs away from Ed in anger and makes his life a whole lot harder

"What a sad town," said Luna. "By sad, I mean that I'm cleverly starting off the chapter with some personification. The town can't really be sad. See? My writer is so intelligent."

"Let's go find a hotel," said Ed. In Stupid-Author's-Note-ese, this means something extremely dirty. In Sue-language, this was an innocent idea that could lead to nothing more than, at most, a cutesy, fluffsy romantic klutz moment. In Edward-Elric-ese, this meant "Durr harr fluffy jingleberriez," because Edward is incapable of thought around Mary Sues.

"How did Roy know that Al would be here?" Ed asked.

"He's magical," Luna replied. She rolled her eyes attractively. "Fall in love with my sarcasm."

Ed fell in love with Luna's sarcasm.

"Oh, Luna," he sighed. "If there's anything I don't love about you..." He took her by her hands and stared into her amber orbs, a small smile playing across his lips.

"Oh, Edward," said Luna. "If only I could love you the way that you love me..."

Ed looked confused. "What? I thought..." He glanced up at the sky to check that the stars looked romantic enough, the moon full enough. They were. _Oh no,_ he thought. _We haven't passed the "I'm-getting-feelings-for-you-but-you-haven't-noticed-so-I-have-to-confess-in-words-now" checkpoint! Shit! I started being "romantic" too soon!_

"I mean, I, uh, hate you," he said, cleverly masking his previous error. "I'd never go on a mission with you if it weren't for Colonel Bastard. I work alone and stuff. Yeah."

"Fuck you," said Luna sexily. "I, too, work alone, except for right now, because I am not working alone, as I am with you, working, in the absence of loneliness. It makes me angry. I think I will run away from you in anger and make your life a whole lot harder, now."

Luna ran away from Ed in anger and made his life a whole lot harder.

* * *

Luna's POV

My deep, chocolate-colored orbs dripped with ansgt in the form of tears. I stared out at the river, trying to clear all the thoughts from my mind. The moon looked so pretty, reflected in the water. It was the perfect place to angst.

_Luna,_ my Conscience whispered. _You love Edward. You know it. You've only known him for a day, but the bond between you is so strong... Confess your love for him._

"No," I said aloud, because it's so much more angsty and epic that way. "I cannot love Edward. My heart still belongs to--" I was cut off by a surprised gasp. After a moment, I realized that the gasp had been my own, as it had come from my mouth, which was the only mouth present, besides the mouth that was attached to the face of a tall, dark, obviously sadistic, creeper in the shadows, who happened to be the reason that the gasp was emitted, as he was scary to look at, and scary things make me gasp.

"Who are you?" I gasped.

"I have no name," he wheezed evilly. "I have no motives. I have no backstory. I have only one thing; Alphonse Elric."

I gasped again. He was a truly frightening character; one has to be to make me, Luna, gasp so much. "You!" I exclaimed. "You're the one who kidnapped Edward's brother!"

He laughed a raspy, wheezy laugh. "Yes! I, the unoriginal, cliché, stereotypical mad scientist, have kidnapped Alphonse! This has never happened before! Surely you are surprised!"

Indeed, I was surprised. "Why are you telling me this?" I yelled, instead of fighting him, running away, or finding someone to help me. Fight or flight instincts don't exist in fanfiction.

He cackled evilly and then--

Everything went black

* * *

Ed's POV

"Luna!" I yelled through cupped hands, as if calling to a lost pet. "Here, kitty kitty kitty! I'll give you a treat if you come baa~aa~ack!" But, sadly, my words seemed to evaporate into the darkness without reaching her ears-- or anyone else's, for that matter. Come to think of it, it WAS kind of strange that no one heard me. Oh well. Sound doesn't usually travel well in towns located in giant plotholes. (1)

I squinted into the darkness, trying to see if I could find a single human being nearby who could help me. All I saw was the river, sparkling in the moonlight.

And then I heard voices.

"Who are you?" a young girl gasped. I recognized that voice. _Who could it be...?_ I wondered, because all child prodigies are total idiots.

"I have no name," a man wheezed evilly in response. "I have no motives. I have no backstory. I have only one thing; Alphonse Elric."

I gasped and instinctively hid behind a tree. This man was important to the plot and, therefore, it would be incorrect to approach him.

My mind was whirling with thoughts of Alphonse and his safety. He probably wasn't dead, so I had no reason to worry, but I was freaking out. And silently angsting_. Oh, Al,_ I sobbed inside my head. _You are so innocent and helpless! How will you be able to survive until I come to rescue you?_

My thoughts were cut short by the sound of a thunk as the girl fell to the ground, unconscious.

And suddenly, it hit me.

_He had Luna._

* * *

**(1) Plotholes are an official geographic feature. Get over it.**


	10. Epic Fight Scene

**Thank you to Hyperthia for helping me with Harry Potter crossover-cliché-research while I wrote this! It'll be really useful in the next few chapters… **

**Anyways. In April, Imma write another novel. Just so ya know. Don't expect updates.**

Chapter Ten

Epic Fight Scene-- In which we finally reach the double digits

Ed's POV

A flashback to the previous chapter played and replayed through my mind. The flashback was strategically placed by my Brilliant Author to show what had happened in that mysterious black hole of passing time that's wedged between any given two chapters.

_The Stereotypical Villain let out a stereotypical evil cackle. He leaned over and picked up the limp body that was Luna. Edward flinched as he watched the Stereotypical Villain (who was CLEARLY a pedophile, because pedophiles are bad, and Stereotypical Villains have to be loaded with every bad quality that the Brilliant Author can think of) place his hands on her fragile, unconscious body._

_His blood ran cold. The undeniably creepy, ugly, deranged, murderous, old pedophile of a Stereotypical Villain (who also had bad breath, yellowing teeth and warts all over his disgusting face) had Luna, and that scared him so much that it couldn't even be expressed by the wildest of adjectives from the Brilliant Author's thesaurus. It was just that scary._

_Oh, and the Stereotypical Villain had Alphonse. That was bad, too._

The flashback ended, and Ed was stranded in the dark. He could no longer see the Stereotypical Villain, but he could easily follow the sound of his creepy, disgusting wheeze-cackles as he dragged Luna along in the mud, ruining her clothing and her dignity.

"I'll take you back to my Secret Base where my evil, motive-less assistants will tie you up and kick you and do painful, pointless experiments on you and other mean things like that!" the Stereotypical Villain cackled evilly. And loudly. But no one heard him, except for Ed, who was nearly paralyzed in fear as a result.

_NO!_ he thought. _They're going to do painful experiments that have no scientific or medical purpose, and Luna's going to be the test subject! What an unexpected turn of events! I must stop them!_

Instead of stopping the old man, he simply followed him. Because Ed always thinks calmly when he's pissed. What? Jumping into the action without planning things out? Ed would never do that! He thinks about EVERY move he EVER makes. ALWAYS.

* * *

"BROTHER!" Al yelled. "YOU CAME! I'M STUPID ENOUGH TO GET RID OF THE ELEMENT OF SURPRISE AND MAKE IT TEN TIMES HARDER FOR YOU TO SAVE ME! LOVE ME AND STUFF!"

Ed fell from the ceiling and landed on the cold, hard ground. He cringed. It felt as if he'd broken something. Why was he on the ceiling, how did he get up there, and what did the room look like? Shut up. I don't need to answer your damn questions.

The Stereotypical Villain turned away from Luna's unconscious body, which he had chained to a wall (A/N: cuz chains r angsty & stufff) and grinned a disturbing, toothless grin. "Kukuku!" he cackled. (1) "Edward Elric! I knew you'd come!"

"Shut up," Ed snarled as he stood up. "Just hand over my brother and Bitch-who-totally-isn't-my-girlfriend so I can get out of here and get back to my usual angsty life."

"Kukuku! No!"

Ed's eyebrow twitched. "Fine. I guess I'll have to _force_ you to let them go!" He jumped into the air and

the story froze.

Brilliant Author hasn't mentioned this in every single A/N ever yet, so she has to explain it now: Brilliant Author sucks at writing fight scenes.

Now, a less-brilliant Brilliant Author would copy a fight scene from their favorite video game, but this Brilliant Author is more brilliant than the rest. See, she understands that not everyone has the same favorite video game. If she were to copy a fight scene from her _own _favorite video game, there would be a chance of her readers not enjoying the fic.

So, instead of copying a fight scene from her favorite video game, she decided to write this:

_A note from Brilliant Author-_

_Hello, Loving Readers! That's right, you love me, and my fic. Is Luna not amazing and cute and sexy and not a Mary Sue?_

_Anyways, I'm in an... unfortunate situation. See, my fic requires a fight scene and, well, I just can't write one._

_So I've decided that, hey, maybe you could find your OWN epic fight scene! Y'know, take some stress off the writer for a bit? (2)_

_Go deep, deep inside that little brain of yours and think-- think this through well, because it's important-- of your favorite video game._

_Got it? Good. D'ya know how to spell it? Go to Youtube and type in the name of your favorite video game. Add in "fight scene". Click the first one... Or the second, or the third, I really couldn't care less._

_There. Now watch it. Epic, right? I'm such a fantastic writer. You can practically (literally) _see_ the fight from my amazing description!_

_Wow, hey, is the fight over already? Close Youtube and get back to my fic._

* * *

Ed groaned and stared at the ceiling, which was blank, white, and oddly frightening, as all hospital ceilings were in the land of FFnet.

"Where am I?" he asked.

"The hospital," Luna replied. She was sitting on a chair beside his bed, badly bruised, with a solemn look on her face. "I'm sorry I was careless enough to get captured... I... I'm..." She sighed. "You got hurt because of me. I'll never forgive myself for that."

Ed was, for some reason, touched by the overly-sentimental cliché of a phrase, despite the fact that he'd heard it hundreds of times before in hundreds of other fics from hundreds of other girls who were all exactly like Luna.

"Oh," he said, a faint blush staining his cheeks. "I, um, well, I mean, it's okay. It wasn't your fault." He looked around the hospital room, trying to find a good subject change. "So, uh, nice place, huh? For a hospital, anyways."

"Yeah," said Luna. "You got your own room because you're a main character and main characters are top priority. A man dying of cancer was kicked out to live on the streets so that you could have this room."

"Fancy that," said Ed. "How nice."

* * *

Luna's POV

"Hello, Edward," I said sheepishly as I sidled into his private hospital room. I carried a pitcher of water for him, as lying in bed all day is physically taxing and I was worried about his hydration. I felt that it was my duty to help him recover. Al never did anything to help. I wonder if he's in this fic at all.

"Hi, Luna," he said, picking restlessy at one of the many scars that covered his body from the epic and angsty fight earlier in the chapter. If you forgot about the events of this particular fight, I recommend rereading it. It was, like, epic and stuff.

As I walked to his bed, I tripped on a nonexistent obstacle and, by some physics-defying display Bella Swan-esque klutziness, managed to spill the water all over my chest.

"Oh dear," I said as I stared down at my thin, white shirt. "It seems that I forgot to put a bra on this morning. How silly of me."

"Oh, Luna," said Ed. "You are so forgetful."

"I know," I said with a sigh. "My forgetfulness is so tragic. Now excuse me while I clean up this mess and get you some more water." I reached for the cup and--

"Luna."

"Oh my. Is this _your_ penis?"

"Yes."

"Rats. I could've sworn that it was a cup of water."

"I'll transmute it into a cup of water, if that's what you want. I'd do ANYTHING for you, Luna."

"Oh, Edward, that's sweet, but I'm afraid that that's the Cups-of-water-that-used-to-be-penises Alchemist's job. She's my neighbor. Long black hair, sea green orbs. Real nice girl."

"I see."

I began searching for the _real_ cup, when I realized that something was missing.

"Oh dear. Where did my shirt go? I swear that I was wearing it just a second ago."

"Funny how those things disappear, isn't it?"

* * *

**I would've written more, but, to tell the truth, I'm sick and tired of this chapter.**

**(1) Sick of his Stereotypical Cackle yet?**

**(2) You're SO jealous that I can do stuff like that and get away with it.**


	11. Mysterious Letter

**Heeey. C:**

**This chapter was written on a plane. Epicccc. Three more hours (RIGHT? RIGHT?) until I get to LA. I think. This whole time-zone thing confuses me. :/**

**Anywhoodles. I'm eatin' plane-cookies. And waiting for mah sister to finish up with her movie so I can watch Sweeney Todd on the portable DVD player. I am so amazing. Love me.**

Chapter Eleven

Mysterious letter-- In which magic "doesn't exist"

"What? Magic isn't real." This line is familiar. Chances are, you've read it before.

"Edward, I don't care what doubts you have about your mission-- It's an order. You HAVE to go." Where's it from, though? Think...

"But-- but that's stupid! What's so special about this "Harry Potter" guy? Why does he need _my_ protection?" Oh. Right. It's that old book series that was once the most popular in the fantasy genre. Then Twilight butted in, that damn poser. Do people _really_ still write Harry Potter crossovers?

Yes, as a matter of fact, they do. And not just a few of them, either. They write enough of them that it's become a cliché. And you know what I do with clichés.

"Fullmetal, you're going to Hogwarts!"

* * *

"Why am I going to this so-called "Magic School", again?"

"To protect Harry Potter, because he is weak, vulnerable and unable to protect himself. Like Alphonse. Speaking of Alphonse, he can't come. Neither can Luna."

"What? Why not?"

"For extra angst. And an excuse for you to get an owl and name it something ridiculous, like Trisha or Nina or Kitty."

"… Kitty? Why would I name my owl 'Kitty'?"

"Because you're incredibly guilty about not letting Alphonse have a cat. Duh."

Ed sighed. Sometimes, the whole parody thing got a little exhausting. "Right," he said. "Guilt. Got it." He restlessly folded and unfolded the list of school supplies, anxious for something interesting to happen.

Suddenly, another line break fell conveniently into place…

* * *

"Where are we?" Ed asked, looking around innocently, because Ed is young and innocent.

"Diagon Alley. We randomly appeared here because the journey is impossible and the Brilliant Author didn't want to strain her thinking-muscle by coming up with a believable explanation," Roy replied. He held out his hand, expecting the supplies list. Ed willingly obliged.

Ed is so obedient.

"The first thing we should get is robes… Spoiler alert, the shopkeeper's gonna call you short…"

"Books first," said Ed.

"You'll find some alchemy books there, read them, surprise everyone by your insane chapter-book-reading skillz," Roy finished with a nod. "Then we'll go to the pet shop, where you'll wallow in angst for a bit over the fact that Trisha and Nina are dead and Al is kitten-less, then buy an owl so you can write polite, OOC letters to your friends, family, and fuck-buddy OC girlfriends between classes."

"Fun."

"We have to get your wand last. It's traditional. Also, you have to be really nervous. And your wand has to have a special meaning."

"Got it," said Ed. "But now that you've told the readers what's going to happen, is it really necessary for us to actually GO to the shops?"

"… No," Roy admitted. "Let's just go back to FMA-land (Hey. Hey. Hey. It's called Amestris.) we can spend a few pages on your tearful, heartfelt good-bye to Luna and that other guy. Al or whatever."

Hey look, the line break brought friends!

* * *

Hello there, reader! Fancy meeting you here. Ed, Al, Luna, Roy and whichever other characters I've dragged into this parody are in the other room doing whatever it is that fan fiction characters do during line breaks.

You, however, are in here, with me.

You are confused.

I care, honey, I really do. I _care _when my readers are confused. I listen to your anguished cries of "I don't get it!" and my heart simply _bleeds_ for you. It truly does.

**(Subliminal message: **_**No, it does not.**_**)**

Whether you are confused or not, I have an explanation for you.

When Edward was eleven (1), his Hogwarts letter was sent to him, as planned, on schedule. However, by some terrible timeline mix-up on the Brilliant Writer's part, it was sent the day that he burned his house down.

Naturally, this confused the owl. "This is not Edward Elric," he thought. "This is a pile of ash. A pile of ash cannot be sent to Hogwarts. A pile of ash cannot learn magic. This pile of ash is not the intended recipient of this letter. This letter is for Edward Elric."

Then the owl became confused. "Perhaps," he thought. "Perhaps Edward Elric IS a pile of ash. Perhaps he is a magical pile of ash, a pile of ash so magical that it can, in fact _learn _magic!"

The owl flew back to Dumbledore to confirm that the letter did, in fact, belong to a pile of ash.

It did not.

Dumbledore sent the owl back out with the same letter only a few days later, because of another tragic timeline mix-up (Brilliant Author is still brilliant, though), but this time, the letter was directed to Roy Mustang, who can _make _a pile of ash easily, though not one as magical as the pile of ash that was previously mistaken for Edward Elric.

Long story short, Edward is magical. Catch my drift?

Anyways.

When Roy received Ed's letter, he tucked it away under the porn and booze that he keeps hidden in his desk and never spoke of it to Ed. There is a reason behind his actions, but it will never be clearly explained.

Four years later (or maybe five-- as you know, Brilliant Author has some issues with timelines), Roy was told to assign Ed a mission that involved protecting another angst teenage main character named Harry Potter, who attended Hogwarts.

Roy's memory went "ping" and he pushed aside all the previously mentioned porn and booze and grabbed Edward's Hogwarts letter.

Original explanation, right?

Wrong.

No matter how original your beginning is, every Harry Potter crossover is the same-- at some point, the freshly made path that is a fresh fanfic merges with the murky, polluted, over-used main road of every other fic in its genre.

Even a true genius cannot perfect the art of Harry Potter crossover.

* * *

**(1) I momentarily forgot the Hogwarts age. It killed me inside.**

**I am now at my cousins' house in LA, finishing up the chapter. MABEL AND LUCY. YOU ARE SO CUTE.**

**We're going to Legoland today. HOORAY!**


	12. The Hogwarts Express

**Chapter twelve, at last! I'll try to post chapter thirteen on May 2****nd****, which just so happens to be, like, my birthday and stuff. ^^**

Chapter Twelve

The Hogwarts Express

This chapter was written before a live studio audience.

* * *

Train whistles were the angsty background music of Ed's angsty life. Just the sound of them caused a fresh wave of angst to sweep over his angsty heart.

Trains represented the constant battle and journey of life, his burdens, his mistakes. The symbolism of it all was practically _dripping_ with angst.

"Platform 9 and 3/4..." he read aloud. "Where's that?"

"I don't know," Roy replied.

Ed shot him a glare. "Thanks," he said. "That helps. That helps a lot."

"Your sarcasm hurts me," said Roy, and he disappeared in a puff of smoke.

"... Um," said Ed.

"Oh, honey, are you lost?" a voice crooned from behind Ed. "I heard you mention platform 9 and 3/4, and since these aren't desperate or frightening times, I'm willing to help any and every average Joe I see. Also, I'm not in the book often enough for Brilliant Author to know _anything _about my character, so I'm even more hopelessly OOC than you, or anyone else!"

"... Um," said Ed. "Like... Who are you and stuff?"

The woman smiled a kind, motherly smile and Ed's heart was again swept away by waves of angst because his mom is, like, dead and stuff. "I'm Mrs. Weasley! Do you need help getting to platform 9 and 3/4? Of course you do." She gripped Ed creepily by the shoulder and Ed was, once again, reminded of his mother. Not that this was anything special; all adult females reminded him of his mother. "Now, you see that pillar? Run at it. Just run at it, and don't stop."

Ed tried to turn this phrase into an angsty metaphor that described his life, but he didn't have time; Mrs. Weasley gave him a light shove, and he catapulted forward, accidentally running full-tilt towards the pillar between platforms 8 and 9.

Brilliant Author has some math issues, too.

* * *

Ed walked down the aisle of the train, looking left and right for an empty seat. He'd never been on such a crowded train before; in the end, he was forced to sit with the Main Characters of the crossover fandom. What an entirely original coincidence!

Also, Harry, Ron, and Hermione are all fifteen, but it's not the fifth book. Brilliant Author has timeline issues, remember?

"Er, hi," Ed said awkwardly, because without his darling Alphonse and Luna, he's really shy. Kawaii desu, no? "I'm Ed... You mind if I sit here?"

"Of course not!" Hermione said with a small smile. A light blush brushed over her cheeks. **(Flow Ruining Author's Note: OMFG FORESHAWMENT KAWAII DESU JSHFHJAKGA and I totally didn't just completely spoil the "plot," assuming that there IS a plot, which there won't be, because I'll stop writing this before we get there, because who finishes fanfiction anymore anyways, I mean, seriously?)**

"I'm Ron," said a red-haired, freckled boy, holding out his hand in friendly greeting. He gave a small smile, and Ed was instantly reminded of Al.

"Nice to meet you," Ed said politely. He made a point of shaking Ron's hand with his left, because he knew that the wizards would have an over-exaggerated-automail-reaction if he revealed his metal limbs. It happens every time.

"I'm Hermione," said Hermione, her cheeks still stained red. "And this is Harry." Harry raised his hand in greeting.

Ed nodded. "Nice to meet you, too," he said. He is so polite.

Harry's brow wrinkled. _Something's off about this kid... _he thought to himself. _But what is it... _He stared creepily at Ed, who was getting along great with Hermione and Ron. Suddenly, it hit him. _He didn't freak out when he saw my scar! This is a badly-made excuse to be suspicious of him! ... ARGH, MY SCAR IS TINGLING. OH, FUCK, WE'VE HIT PLOT._

"Hey, guys, since I'm the closest thing that this series has to a comic relief character, I have a bad joke! Why was the six afraid of the seven?"

"Why?" asked Ed.

"To get to the other side! HAHAHA!"

One thing led to another, and Ron's light-hearted, if annoyingly bad, joke resulted in Harry, Ron and Hermione asking strangely spot-on and angst-inducing questions about Ed and his mysteeeeerious past.

"So, Ed, have you ever broken the biggest taboo of alchemy and tried to bring back your deceased mother, accidentally dragging the rest of your family, two of your limbs and your entire future down in the process?" Hermione asked nonchalantly.

Ed's eyes glazed over for a moment, before he shook his head and laughed nervously, shurgging the question off. "Of course not! What are you talking about?"

Ron laughed. "Oh, Hermione! What a silly question! You're such a kidder! Why would _Ed_ do something like _that_?"

**"... I have to pee." **With that, Ed stood up and walked away, probably to go to the potty-room.

Harry and Hermione stared curiously after him. Ron stuck his head out the window like a puppy. Comic relief remember?

When Ed was out of earshot, Harry spoke.

"I'm suspicious of him," he snapped.

Hermione sighed. "Normally I'd bug you about being such a nosey asshole, but this time, I won't, because I agree with you."

Harry looked surprised. "You do?"

Hermione nodded. "When I mentioned that whole bringing-back-the-dead thing-- _completely_ out of nowhere, I don't know what came over me-- I sensed his angsty aura."

"Yeah, I did, too," Ron said, pulling his head back into the train cabin. **(Flow Ruining Author's Note: They ARE called cabins, right?)**

"Angsty Aura... ?" Harry said questioningly. "You can sense that? _How?_"

"We hang around _you,_ Harry. What kind of friends would we be if we hung around Harry Potter and were unable to sense angst?"

"Yup!" said Ron.

Suddenly, they heard a scream. TO BE CONTINUED AND STUFF.

* * *

**Axis Powers Hetalia watching time! :)**


	13. Filler Chapter of Doom

**Sunday, May 2****nd****, was my 13****th**** birthday. Just sayin'.**

**I feel guilty about this. Not only did I post it a full week after I promised, but yesterday, chapter 107 came out, and here I am posting something as silly as Epic. *sigh* Enjoy and stuff…**

**ALSO THE PACE IS ALL FAST AND WEIRD AND FFFF.**

Chapter 13

Filler Chapter of Doom

In which filler happens

Ed groaned and looked around. He was lying on the cold metal floor of an unknown room in an unknown place. One wall was made entirely of glass, and outside of the glass sat two people; a man with short black hair pushed back with a pair of sparkly goggles as a makeshift headband, and a woman with chestnut hair and a pair of strict blue glasses.

"Where am I?" Ed asked groggily.

The man grinned and leaned over. He adjusted a microphone on the other side of the glass wall and spoke into it. "You, Edward Elric #17,893, are in the Unfinished Fanfiction Center! I'm Captain Johnny, and this is Cecilia! We're going to perform a number of pointless, painful experiments on you!"

Ed's head jerked up. "What?!" he exclaimed. "Wait, no, you can't do that-- I-- but-- h-how did I even get here?! I was just on the train to Hogwarts and now--"

"Your writer doesn't like the idea anymore," said Cecilia as she flipped through some pages on her clipboard. "Your story was discontinued, and here you are."

Ed stared at her, a look of horror evident on his face. In this gap in the dialogue, he realized that his hands were tied behind his back. He's so observant.

"Why are you doing this?!" he shouted desperately.

"HAHAHAHA!" laughed Johnny. "I DON'T KNOW!"

Ed struggled against the chains, but it was no use. They were strong and thick and metal and other adjectives. They held firm.

"STOP!" yelled a heroic and amazing voice. Mird, the owner of the heroic and amazing voice, swooped down Tarzan-style and smashed through the glass. "This Edward is still being used! This is all a parody! In fact, this is PART of a chapter!"

"Really?" Johnny's face brightened. He waved at the camera. "Cool! Hi, mom!"

Ed stared at Mird. Mird grinned at Ed. "C'mon, darling Edo-kun." She grabbed Ed by his automail hand (The handcuffs had been swallowed by a plot hole. They pop up every now and then.) and dragged him off into bowels (1) of the UFC.

Their footsteps echoed off of the irritatingly straight and stiff metal walls that reminded Ed of all the air ducts that he climbed through and angsted about his height inside of.

Cecilia and Johnny were left in the dust.

* * *

The winding hallways went on for so long that it was almost dizzying.

Every now and then, the passage would fork off into too different directions, but they always continued on down the path on the right.

"We're going around the perimeter of the UFC," Mird said. "It has a diameter of at least 100 miles, and if that's going against something I said in an earlier chapter, you can shut the fuck up, 'cause I'M the writer here."

"Are you talking to me?" Ed asked.

Mird jerked to a halt and whirled around to face him. "WHOA. Hey, wow, I forgot you were here! [Insert witty comment here]!"

Ed laughed uncontrollably.

"Anyways, we're almost there, so hang tight."

"Almost where?"

Mird grinned. "You'll see."

* * *

There's something you need to understand about the UFC; it doesn't exist.

Not in the real world, anyways.

The UFC exists in a parallel dimension; people on FFnet are completely unaware of anything happening in the UFC... But those in the UFC are 100% aware of all the ins and outs of FFnet.

Furthermore, they don't go by real time; they go by Mird Time. She can make a certain room or wing snap into existence just by saying that it happened, and she can make it take seventeen years to build just by writing that it is so.

And during that time, no one has to age a day.

The thing about Mird Time is that no one understands it; not a single person in the whole goddamn building. Even Mird doesn't quite understand it.

Everyone just goes with it, y'know?

So when she realized that the medicine cabinet (a huge library of various poisons and cures from every time Ed was sick or poisoned in fanfiction, built twenty years ago, or twenty seconds ago (2), depending on how you look at it) was too far away to arrive there on foot any time within the next three days, she simple zapped it closer.

The curved around another bend in the passage, then Mird stopped. "We're here," she said.

"Here" was a door, seven feet tall and eight feet wide, giving it a fat-little-leprechaun look. It had a wheel on the front, like bank safes in cartoons. Behind that door was, presumably, a room.

Mird typed in the pass-code (I'll give you a hint; it's not 5893) and, just like that, the door flew open.

Inside, there were dozens and hundreds and _thousands_ of shelves; upon the shelves were millions and billions of bottles and these numbers, in this context, are impossible, but who gives a damn?

"What's all this?" Ed asked.

"Poisons," Mird said. "Antidotes. Medicine. The next chapter is an Ed-gets-sick-and-Roy-cares-for-him-all-kawaii-desu-like parody. So you need to get SICK."

"Oh," said Ed. "Okay. Are you going to poison me?"

"Yeah," said Mird, examining a bottle labeled with a skull and crossbones. "I just need to find the appropriate poison. Have polite conversation with me for teh gigglies."

"Nice weather we've been having," Ed said. Haha. It's funny. Laugh. "I'm going to tell a funny joke, now."

"You tell that funny joke, Ed."

"Why was the six afraid of the seven?"

"Why?"

"To get to the other said."

"... That wasn't funny."

"It was funny when Ron said it."

"Don't repeat jokes, Ed," said Mird. She tossed a can of rat poison aside. "It's not nice."

"Can I help pick my poison?"

"No."

"But I'M the one who's gonna get sick... Can I at least pick the flavor? I want bubblegum. Or mint!"

"Ed, this is poison, not toothpaste. It's serious business."

"Why can't you poison me with toothpaste?"

Mird considered it. "No," she said. "No, I don't think that would be fun. I think I should poison you with this." She held up a bottle. "Yes, you'll be poisoned with this. Ready?"

"No."

"Cool." Mird covered Ed's mouth and nose with a cloth. "Does this smell like chloroform to you?"

"What? No."

"Good, because it's not. It's Abercrobie perfume."

Ed fainted and hit the ground with a thump.

* * *

**(1) Lol. I said "bowels."**

**(2) This is impossible. Seeing as the UFC specializes in only Fullmetal Alchemist-related Unfinished Fanfiction, and FMA has only been around for a few years, it's not possible for there to have been any Unfinished Fanfiction—or any fanfiction at ALL—twenty years ago.**

**But I'm Mird, so I can do what I want.**


	14. Ed is Sick

**New OC. Raiven is amazing. The next chapter will be dedicated to her.**

**This chapter is unsatisfying, and the tense F A I L S, but I'm tired.**

Chapter Fourteen

Ed is Sick

In Which Roy Cleverly Observes That Ed Is Not Himself

At the center of the UFC is a portal.

The portal isn't used often; in fact, it hasn't been used in at least a few months. See, this portal leads from the UFC to FFnet-- and, to be perfectly honest, people don't usually make that journey.

FFnet to UFC tends to be a one-way trip. If your Writer doesn't care for you anymore, off you go.

And if she wants you back?

Ha.

Keep dreaming.

It won't happen.

* * *

It was a lovely day in Amestris. Raiven was sitting at a tiny table outside a small, modest coffee shop at the edge of Central City. The sun was almost blinding-- a memory of her innocent childhood days, the ones she missed so much.

She ran her hand through her long black hair and smiled sadly as her fingers grasped unconsciously at the golden clasp on her neck. She could feel, out of nowhere, beads of water forming behind her soft sea-green orbs and--

The patch of air above turned bright pink, ripped open, and deposited a Main Character on her lap before sealing up again as if nothing had happened.

Ed groaned. "God _damn_ it..." He stumbled to his feet, clutching his head, and turned to look at Raiven. "Sorry, I'm too busy trying to stay in character to pay any attention to you." With that, he disappeared into the crowd that wasn't there a second ago.

Raiven was stunned.

Raiven was shocked.

Raiven was also, in case you haven't noticed, a Mary Sue.

_I think... I think I've just met a Main Character! Oh, wow! Oh, god, I can FEEL myself getting more Sue-like! Yes, yes, yes! I can try again!_

"I CAN TRY AGAIN!" Raiven shouted. "YES!" She leapt up and knocked her chair over onto the stone-paved sidewalk with a clatter. She whooped loudly and scampered off.

* * *

Roy's POV

Ed burst through my door. Literally. I've grown so used to the sound of cracking wood and the regular chore of picking splinters out of my carpet.

However, I noticed that, today, he kicked my door to the ground and beat it to a pulp with the heel of his shoe with less reckless enthusiasm than usual. I, being endlessly vigilant and concerned about Ed's health and general well-being, felt a pang of guilt. Was this strange lack of his usual anger and spasticness a result of all the missions I've been sending him on?

"Ed..." I said worriedly. "Are you feeling okay? You aren't screaming at me. Usually I have a migraine by now."

"I'm fine," Ed snapped. "I wasn't poisoned, dad. Whoops, let that slip. Those weren't feelings. I don't have feelings. I'm male, remember, dad? I didn't say that, by the way."

My eyes widened. He let his feelings slip! He MUST be sick! He usually keeps his feelings hidden deep inside. Inside his Manly Diary, I mean. (1)

I stood up from my desk and walked around to the other side. Ed stared up at me with his golden orbs and I've used that word way too often and it's not even funny anymore and I laid the back of my hand on his forehead.

I drew my hand back instantly-- his forehead was burning! My Brilliant Author is a dumbass who doesn't understand how fevers work!

"Ed," I said calmly. "You're sick."

"Nuh uh," Ed said, and he fainted.

How manly.

* * *

Still Roy's POV-- Ed's my sonny-boo inner angsty monologue

Edward is like a son to me.

You can clearly tell this just by watching us-- the way I show affection toward him. The way he respects me. The way we know things about each other than the fact that our names are Ed and Roy, respectively. The way we occasionally speak to each other willingly. The way I support him and tell him that he's a... good kid or whatever.

Yes, we are very close.

So close, in fact, that I was able to skip work without anyone caring to take Ed to my house or apartment or box or wherever the hell I live and care for him.

Currently, he's lying on my bed while I sit on a stool beside him and stare at his unconscious body. My gaze is extremely helpful. It is crucial to his recovery.

I consider calling Al and letting him know that Ed's here because of tragic reasons, but he'd probably come over and act all... Helpful and loving and stuff. Their brotherly love would out-kawaii my parental love.

**

* * *

**

**(1) Yes, I WILL continue this series… Later.**

"**Brooklyn, Brooklyn, take me in**

**Are you aware the shape I'm in?**

**My hands, they shake**

**My head, it spins**

**Brooklyn, Brooklyn, take me in."**

**Tell me where that's from and win my undying love or something.**


	15. Raiven

**I apologize for the mind-boggling unfunniness of this chapter. :/**

Chapter Fifteen

Raiven

In Which Raiven Pays a Visit to the National Mary Sue Society

The National Mary Sue Society was famous.

Fame, of course, was not a convenient attribute for such a company. The demand for spots in the National Mary Sue Society- NMSS for short- was, to say the least, overwhelming. It sometimes took years for a Sue's application to reach the hands of anyone who could even possibly help her... And by then, it could already be too late.

Raiven had been wandering in the murky mixing pot of Sues for ages. These Sues were half-developed ideas, simply floating around in the universal pool of imagination, but not yet accessible by a fanfiction author searching their subconsciousness for a character.

When fanfiction started getting popular back in the 90's, the NMSS was created out of thin air to clean up the process. From then on, all OCs had to apply for a Mary Sue permit before being available for purchase. Then, any Brilliant Author fishing into the reaches of her imagination in search of a Brilliant Character to mirror her Brilliant Brilliance, would, conveniently, latch on to the idea of whichever Sue fit her needs- and instantly be fooled into thinking that it was her own creation.

So, in simpler terms:

You don't make Sues. Sues make themselves, wander around in Limbo for an amount of time not currently measurable by the standards of this universe, then fill out an application at the NMSS and leap into your eagerly awaiting brain. From there, they become the vomit-inducing shitfics that are plaguing FFnet as we speak.

In even simpler terms:

It's not your fault.

* * *

Nicole drummed her fingers on the desk.

The thing that annoyed her about Raiven wasn't that she was a Mary Sue; she saw those literally every day. She didn't mind Raiven's sea green orbs, or her ridiculously long, black hair. She hardly noticed Raiven's necklace, and the angst that came with it, and she honestly couldn't care less about the state alchemist title, or the "modified" military uniform.

No, what bothered Nicole about Raiven was simply her presence.

Nicole is a very overworked, very stressed woman. Her impatience and restlessness had always caused problems for her, and others.

At some time during the seven years that had passed since she got her job at the NMSS, she had decided to do something about her stress. As a result, her office, the Fullmetal Alchemist Sue Application Center, was a feng shui paradise.

Because Brilliant Author knows nothing about feng shui, we'll just say that it has a waterfall, and some bamboo and pretty rocks thrown in for good measure. (1)

The thing about Raiven was that she just had an aura of stress, unease, and discomfort, unlike the other Sues, whose aura said nothing other than "ignorant and innocently stupid."

When Raiven walked into the room- or, rather, burst through the door, breathing heavily and grinning- Nicole felt her wall of blissful relaxation melt away in a second.

Nicole drummed her fingers on the desk.

"Nicole! I know you've never accepted my application before because I'm an irritating bitch and my character design has been used too many times to count, but it's different now! I was at a Nameless Coffee Shop, surrounded by Nameless Background Characters and, oh, you'll /never/ believe what happened, but I'm gonna tell you anyways! The sky turned pink and ripped open and Edward Elric fell onto my lap and this chapter isn't even funny, so I need to make some cheap laughs! HEY LOOK A MONKEY THOSE ARE FUNNY. Laugh!"

Nicole laughed and then was serious.

"Raiven, honey," she said, trying as hard as possible to keep her voice level. "I really hate to discourage you- no, that was a lie, I apologize- but you really aren't cut out to be a Mary Sue."

Raiven's face fell. The combination of her Mary Sue-charm and kawaii desu disappointment should've made Nicole's heart flutter with embarrassment and the sudden, inexplicable urge to help her out and make her smile, but she felt none of these things; Raiven's face annoyed her. To an alarming extent.

Nicole reached for a stress ball.

"Look, I'm sorry that you hate me, or whatever, but you gotta understand... being a Mary Sue is my dream! It's what I was made for! I have all the characteristics, and I've even met a Main Character already- I should get bonus points for that, if you ask me- but you hate me. 'Cause, I mean... It's almost the end of the manga, and I still haven't made a name for myself, or appeared in any fics and..." A single tear rolled down her cheek.

Nicole gripped the stress ball as if her life depended on it. She took ten deep breaths and found her happy place- which, unsurprisingly, was completely devoid of any Raivens.

As much as she'd like to help Raiven, if only to get her out of her hair, she knew that it was entirely impossible. The process of filling out a Mary Sue application took over a week, and had to be supervised at all times.

If just spending thirty seconds with Raiven made Nicole feel like her head was going to explode, then even THINKING of spending a week with her... She'd kill herself, violently, with a fork, before that happened.

"Honey, I'd love to help, I really would. But filling out your Sue application at this point in time is entirely and unfortunately impossible."

"Why?"

"Because I hate you. A lot."

Raiven let out a sigh of pure angst and Nicole felt like she might explode.

"Is there any way that I can be a character in a fanfic with_out_ filling out the application?"

Under normal circumstances, Nicole would've calmly explained the process of Character Selection to the Soon-To-Be-Sue and why such a thing would be utterly impossible without an application.

However, Raiven was irritating to such an extent that Nicole forgot each and every rule of her job; the most important being "Every Sue must have an application."

"I'll see what I can do."

* * *

Three days later, a box arrived on Mird's doorstep.

* * *

**Sooo. Over the summer, I'm gonna rewrite Relationshit. There's a Relationshit-related poll on profile. You should, like, vote and stuff.**

**Also, anyone who hasn't watched me on deviantART yet should hurry up and do so, because I learned how to draw yesterday and I now have art. Cute art. With tophat'd peanuts and fishbowl-head-man-guys. http : / / mird5892 . deviantart . com /**

**(1) I can do what I want, man.**


	16. Broken

**I hate to post such an overly-personal message in an A/N, but I have something to say to Irato: You have to review this chapter. You have Private Messaging disabled, and I have something important to say to you, and I have no way to contact you other than review replies. Thank yooooou~!**

Chapter Sixteen

Broken—In which Raiven isn't quite a Mary Sue

While Roy was at work, Ed lay in bed, thinking.

He thought about his mother, and the fact that she was dead. He thought about Al, and all the angst that surrounded his giant, metal body. He thought about Winry and how much he totally didn't love her, what are you talking about? He thought about his sappy love confession to Luna, and when he hoped it would take place.

But most of all, he thought about Roy.

_I wonder,_ he wondered, _if he noticed all the times I let the word "dad" slip? I don't know what came over me, 64 times in a row. I mean, he's not my father. Of course not! He didn't give birth to me!_ (1)

He pondered this for a moment.

_Perhaps I should do some flashbacking, to see if he noticed anything..._

_**-Flachback-**_

_"Dad," Ed croaked. "I mean Roy."_

_"Why are you croaking, Ed?" Roy asked. There was a hint of concern in his voice, which was strange, because Roy doesn't care about Ed. He is a heartless bastard, and he calls Ed short. Since Ed is a whiny, wimpy baby, being called short makes him go all sobbedy-sob, all because of Roy. Ed fans have to either hate Roy for being a dick, or love him because he's Ed's dad. Your choice, darlings._

_At the edges of Ed's golden orbs, small tears began to form, but he blinked them away. "Because m-my throat hurts, dad... Never mind, I didn't say that..." Ed stuttered, trying to hold back tears._

_Roy adopted a motherly tone of voice. It was quite manly. "Oh, dear, do you need some medicine?" He laid his hand on Ed's forehead. "You have a fever! I already knew this, but I'm going to use exclamation points as if it's huge, surprising news to me!"_

_Ed sniffled._

_"I'll go get you some milk and bottlefeed you with it."_

_"But I hate milk, DadImeanRoy," Ed said weakly. He had no problems with the bottlefeeding part._

_**-End Flashback**__-_

"Huh," Ed croaked to himself, because I know you're all sick of italics. "So that flashback was about... 30 seconds long. I called Roy "dad" three times... So that's an average of once every ten seconds... Hmm... Ohhh, math is so challenging!"

At this point, Ed was bored of thinking about math, and Brilliant Author was bored of Ed being sick. So Ed became un-sick and decided to wander Roy's house/apartment/hobo-box in search of his darling baby brother.

"Alphonse!" he yelled. "Alphonse, c'mere! I _know_ you're in this fic! If you come out and relieve me of my boredom, I promise I'll bribe Mird into giving you more screentime!"

"No!" Al called. "I don't wanna!"

Ed's heart brightened at the sound of his brother's voice. He had been so overwhelmed with the fear of his brother being lost in Roy's house/apartment/hobo-box forever. "You're in the broom closet, aren't you?"

"No," said Al. "I'm not here."

Ed smiled. Even in that huge armor, Al still acted like a child. A five year old child. Despite the fact that he was fourteen.

It made Ed's heart soar.

He threw open the door of the broom closet to find Al curled up and hugging a stuffed cat. "Go away," he said.

"I don't think so," Ed retorted with a grin. "C'mon, baby brother! Don't you wanna play?"

"You treat me like a two year old, Ed. I'm not even exaggerating. Go the fuck away."

"Awwww, baby said a mean word. Does this mean baby doesn't want bear-y...?" Ed cooed, waving a stuffed bear in front of Al's face.

"Yeah, that's exactly what I mean. Why do 'cutesy brotherly' moments always end up as 'Ed treats Al like a baby' moments?"

"Not always," said Ed. "There are more 'Roy treats Ed like a baby' moments."

"No, there aren't."

"So? They're way more humiliating than your petty examples of embarrassment."

Suddenly, a Mary Sue fell out of the fireplace.

* * *

"So let me get this straight," Ed said, staring intently at Raiven from across the table. "You tried to enter the Mary Sue Society-"

"The _National_ Mary Sue Society," Raiven corrected him.

"Whatever. You've been trying to enter the NMSS for years, and there's this test you have to take, but Nicole won't let you, because she hates you. Right?"

"Right."

Al shook his head. "I never knew there was a whole process for this. It's so... _strange!_"

"It sounds like it's difficult to get it," Ed said. "Almost as difficult as it is to become a state alchemist."

"Stop whining, Ed."

"Shut up, Al."

"No, actually," Raiven began, twirling her luscious hair seductively between two of her long, slender fingers. "It's really easy to get in... I'm the only one who can't. Because Nicole hates me. With, like, a burning passion."

Ed narrowed his eyes. There was something off about her... But what?

"You need to be a registered Mary Sue to play a part in a fanfic, right?" Al asked curiously. Strangely, Al was being helpful. He usually didn't act helpful until he got his body back. Isn't it weird for Al to, like, _talk_ when he's still just a soul in a suit of armor?

"Right," Raiven replied. "There's absolutely no way to be a part of a fic without a Mary Sue permit."

"Okay," said Al. "Then what the _hell_ are you doing here?"

Raiven grinned. "I wanna be a part of Epic!"

"Won't you get in some kind of trouble for that?" Ed asked. He surveyed her suspiciously over the rim of his coffee cup. _'Where'd he get coffee?'_ you ask. _'He didn't have coffee a minute ago.'_ Oh, look at you, being all observant. Shut up. MY fic. Not yours.

"Well..." Raiven wavered. "Yeah. The fanfiction police are kinda, um, after me. And I'm, like, just kinda... Wanted. Um. Dead or alive."

"And you want us to help you?"

Raiven grinned. "So you'll help me?"

"I never said-"

"Oh, Ed, that's so nice of you! Wow, I'm just so grateful!" She giggled excitedly and brushed her long, black hair behind her ear with one smooth, calculated sweep of her hand. "C'mon, let's go on a random, unoriginal mission together!"

* * *

Ed stared at Raiven, who was sitting in the seat across from him on the train. Her hair fell across her sea green orbs, but she was too preoccupied with the view out the train window to do anything about it. Her golden necklace glinted in the pre-noon sun that streamed through the window in long shafts of light that radiated comfortable warmth.

He couldn't place his finger on it, but there was something off about her. Her smile didn't make him blush seventeen shades of red. He didn't find himself lost in her eyes. He wasn't afraid that she'd notice that he glanced at her out of the corner of his eye whenever she made a simple movement, like rubbing her nose, or scratching her ear, or covering her mouth when she yawned.

He didn't have the uncontrollable urge to push her against a wall and kiss her until her soul bled out her mouth. (2)

He didn't feel any of these things.

In fact, he didn't find her attractive at all. Not one aspect of her Mary-Sueity- not her perfect face, not her perfect hair, not her perfect body- sparked the overwhelming urge to get her into a room where they would take off their clothes and touch each other. (3)

He didn't want her. She was the first Mary Sue he ever met who he didn't /want./ Because no matter how perfect she was, she just didn't have that irresistible charm that was present in all Mary Sues. She didn't radiate angst and hidden kindness and chocolate rainbow butterflies. Even with all her beautiful features, she fell just short of 'desirable.'

She was a defect. A broken Mary Sue.

* * *

**How'd it get all, like, serious near the end?**

**(1) Cough.**

**(2) This sentence contains the words "kiss," "soul," AND a form of "bleed." This makes it romantic, somehow.**

**(3) This is a quote. Quote the quote in a review and win absolutely nothing. Also, don't judge me.**


	17. Short Rants Are So Funny

**Short chapter is short.**

Chapter Seventeen

Short Rants Are So Funny—In Which Ed Rants And It's So Funny That You Just Want To Cry. Also, Ed Hates Milk.

Now that Ed was aware of the fact that Raiven was a defect, he couldn't help but feel uncomfortable around her. When she explained to him the half-assed, I-thought-of-this-while-in-a-math-class-coma mission, he was surprised to find his mind clear and focused, when it was usually muddled by the presence of a Sue... In fact, he was so focused on the mission that he doubted he would mess up enough for anyone to get kidnapped.

And what's a Sue!fic without kidnapping?

"Let me get this straight," Ed said as he scanned the mission file spread out on the bed in their hotel room. "There's an evil guy, and he's doing bad stuff. With alchemy! _Evil_ alchemy!"

"Yeah," said Raiven. She shuddered. "Some people just... sicken me. How do they sleep at night?"

Ed shook his head. "The people in this world... Anyways, it says here that he works in the creepy abandoned factory on the northern edge of town... So, what's our mission?"

"We have to find out where he is," Raiven said.

"... But it told us that in the report."

"Yeah," said Raiven. "But we have to read the file. And then we have to hand over the information to the local police so that they can take care of everything for us."

"Wait... If we don't have to do any work, then why are we even here?"

Raiven rolled her eyes. "Ed, this is fanfiction. We're two teenagers of the opposite sex, and we're in a hotel room. You're a main character, and I'm a Mary Sue. Do you honestly expect us to _work_?"

Ed considered this, and felt the sudden, undeniable urge to vomit. She was just so... _Unlovable._ Raiven had all the perfect traits of a Mary Sue, but without the guilty pleasure factor. It was like having a beautiful, expensive box of chocolates that all tasted like cardboard and rat shit.

"You mean... Like... Have sex?" he said hesitantly, repulsed by the very words.

"What? No! Ed, this fic is rated T! I meant, like, I'd cutely stumble and fall on you, and then... Or, I'd be making some tea-"

"Some tea?"

"I don't know! Ed, I'm not even an official Mary Sue! How should _I_ know about fluffsy scenes? It's not like I have any experience!" She put her hands on her hips in a way that would've been sexy if any other Mary Sue, such as Luna, had done so, but-

Ed did a double take and looked back at the last sentence. "Whoa!" he exclaimed. "Luna still exists! Totally forgot about her."

Raiven cocked her head to the side in an incredibly un-cute fashion. "Who's Luna?"

Ed flinched. "Raiven, don't do that. Just... Just don't move. Or talk. It's sickening." He grabbed his coat from the coat hanger that had just appeared simply for the purpose of Ed grabbing his coat from it. "I'll be back by... Aw, screw it. I won't be back. You annoy the shit out of me. Good bye."

* * *

Ed sighed. Lately, his life as the main character of Epic has been extremely stressful. He needed some comic relief- desperately. And, as any seasoned member of the FMA fandom knows, there are only three ways to get cheap comic relief:

1- Al finds a cat.

2- Winry throws a wrench at Ed.

3- Roy calls Ed short.

Other than that, everything is angst and yaoi. You know how it is.

Ed knocked on Roy's office door with his metal fist. He was surprised to find that he /wasn't/ overcome with angst at the sight of cold, gray metal in place of flesh. He shook his head; Raiven was really messing with his Fanfiction Character Instincts.

"Who is it?" Roy called. "Is it Ed? I think that it's Ed. Ed, is that you? I sense an angsty aura!"

"How come everyone can sense those except for me?" Ed asked as he let himself in. "Now make a lame short joke so I can 'rant.' I need the readers to laugh so I can get my energy back, Monsters Inc. style."

"Oh, Ed, is that you? I can't see you over my paperwork."

Haha. It's funny because Ed's short and Roy has a lot of paperwork. Now stay tuned for Ed's overexaggerated and _completely hilarious_ reaction...

"WHO'RE YOU CALLING SO SHORT THAT HE HAS TO STAND ON A CHAIR TO REACH THE CAPS LOCK BUTTON FOR HIS IDIOTIC SHORT RANTS?"

Roy sweatdrop'd, because sweat comes in drops, "sweatdrop'd" is totally a verb, and humorous ways of expressing emotion in anime translates into written word _so damn well._

"Um, I never said any of those things..."

"WHO'RE YOU CALLING SO SHORT THAT HE'S PRACTICALLY UNDERGROUND AND HE CAN'T HEAR ANYONE BECAUSE HIS EARS ARE SURROUNDED BY DIRT AND WORMS ARE CRAWLING THROUGH HIS EYE SOCKETS-"

"I never said that... And that's really creepy. I think you might be hallucinating. You should drink more water."

By now, Ed's face was red with anger. "I HATE MILK! GOD, I JUST, I HATE MILK SO MUCH! GRRRRAAARGH!"

* * *

**Seriously, though. Ed's "rants" can be… Extremely lame. And since when is one sentence considered a rant?**

**Epic is going to have 108 chapters. I've decided it.**

**Also, I saw Toy Story 3 today. It was beautiful. Discuss.**


	18. The Janitor

**So the original chapter 18 (Summary: Lame A/N chapter. Mird has writer's block. Can not update Epic. End.) was a flat-out lie. Approximately an hour after posting that, my writer's block poofed away.**

**I'm such a bitch.**

**In any case, I'm sorry it took so long to post this chapter. The fates simply didn't allow a quick update. As we speak, the fates are looking down, and giggling at Mird. "A toast," they say, "for messing with a poor little Mirdything!" And they sip their orange juice and teeny wine glasses. Those meanies.**

**Also... Harry Potter in Russian = Garri Potter i dary smerti. I find this funny. Say "smerti." Laugh. Hahahahayeah.**

Chapter Eighteen

The Janitor—In which The Janitor is whisked away to perform important tasks.

At the UFC, the floors are always clean.

It's a strange phenomenon, considering the fact that the UFC is huge, and the number of fruit juice spills/dropped crumbs/murders that take place inside its walls daily would keep an army of janitors constantly busy.

However, there is only one Janitor at the UFC. He's almost never around because of his time-consuming second job, and when he _is_at the UFC, everyone knows where to find him- in the food court with Johnny, eating bagels and discussing Glee, anime, and barbie dolls.

Many people have tried to get to the bottom of this strange mystery, but their investigations all end the same way- bloodily, and with a strange dusting of glitter on any nearby surfaces.

The mess of the unfortunate background character's body is always cleaned up by morning, even if the janitor is nowhere to be seen.

Despite the fact that he is seemingly a terrible worker, and quite possibly a murderer, the janitor is an incredibly kind and interesting human being, if you're willing to sit down with him and some bagels for a nice little chat.

But, of course, in the middle of this nice little chat, there will be a distraction- his phone will ring, and he'll glance at it as if he doesn't already know who's calling. He'll consider saying "I have to take this call," or "Sorry, I gotta go," or maybe even "Duty calls, thanks for understanding." But he'll decide against it, because none of it is true. He never answers his phone, he _certainly_isn't sorry, and there is absolutely no way in hell that you understand. I can tell by the look on your face right now: you don't understand. You are thinking to yourself, "Self, what is wrong with Mird? Why is she writing about this Janitor-man? Is he relevant?"

Yes, actually, he is _very_relevant. See, Janitor-man's second job is the absolute most important position in the UFC: He is the head of the Fanfiction Police.

The Fanfiction Police is an organization with a member count of over two thousand.

By two thousand, I mean two. They have a member count of over two. Three members. Two is less than three.

These three members are Johnny, Cecilia, and, of course, The Janitor himself. They make up Squad One-And-Only of the Fanfiction Police, and they are aware of all the going-ons in FFnet. No one knows exactly what they do. All we know is that FFnet would be a far more terrible environment without them.

At this very moment, The Janitor is getting a mysterious call from his mysterious cell phone. He's telling the nice young lady that he's eating bagles with that he's gotta go. He's stepping between dimensions, from the UFC into FFnet, in a process that is far too wildly complicated to describe in writing.

And you're just sitting there at your computer, eating his dust, and wondering how anyone could possibly be so fast.

* * *

**Chapter Nineteen is on its way. :0 Hugs all around!**


	19. Genderbender

**While doing research for this chapter, I realized that Fem!Ed fics really annoy me. Ed is just such a... not-girl.**

**I apologize in advance for the irritating not-funnyness of this chapter. Not only is it terribly un-funny, it's also, quite frankly, a bit stupid. It'll get better soon maybe.**

**Oh and by the way the janitor is named Luke yup.**

Chapter Nineteen

Genderbender- In Which The Readers Groan At The Unfunnyness

Luke the janitor walked quickly and purposefully down the uniformly gray and spotless hallway, with Cecilia at his side. Full-scale emergencies were rare, and he found that a part of him (an admittedly immoral and sadistic part, but there you are) enjoyed the resulting panic.

"It's Raiven," Cecilia explained, her voice strained and rushed. "The defect. She's evaded capture for years; we were almost preparing to just give up on trying to find her. But the situation is serious." She flipped through the pages on her clipboard and passed it on to Luke, who surveyed it with narrowed eyes.

"She's in a fic?" He looked up at Cecilia. "How did she do that? She isn't authorized!"

"Exactly," Cecilia said. "That's the problem. We don't know how she managed it- in any case, we have to stop her. An unauthorized Mary Sue could rip the fabric of time itself-"

"Really?"

"Yeah. The point is," Cecilia continued as the two officers took a sharp right into another corridor, "that we need to stop her. Johnny's in the surveillance room right now. He's keeping a close eye on her location-"

"Johnny?" Luke interrupted yet again. There was a hint of uncertainty in his voice. "Are you sure it was... wise to trust Johnny with something like this?" (1)

"Not at all," Cecilia said promptly. "But what fun would it be if we found her right away?" With that, she pushed open a door that had conveniently appeared for the sole purpose of being pushed open by Cecilia, and the two of them entered the dimly lit room.

Johnny was asleep in a chair, his arms crossed, half a bagel resting on his knee, and drooling slightly. His entire body was illuminated with a faint blue glow from the screen in front of him.

Luke glanced at the screen, let out a heavy sigh and pinched the bridge of his nose in frustration.

"What?" Cecilia asked sharply.

"We lost her."

* * *

Ed woke up.

He didn't wake up all at once- instead, he woke up little by little. With each passing moment, he became slightly more aware of the details of his surroundings.

The first thing he noticed was that there were shouting voices coming from the next room. Irrelevant.

The second thing he noticed was that there was a girl sitting next to his bed, texting faster than the speed of light.

The third thing he noticed was that he was a girl.

Normally, this fact would cause any (former) male to bolt upright immediately upon noticing. Ed, however, remained stubbornly, sluggishly tired.

_How many times has this happened now?_ he asked himself. _120? 130? (2) I've lost count... I'm sick of waking up with tits._

Instead of having an over-exaggerated, "hilarious" reaction to his predicament, he decided to keep a level head ("Gasp!" the fanfiction writers gasped. "But Ed is incapable of keeping a level head!") and investigate the other unusual occurrence: the girl sitting a few feet away.

The girl looked up at the sound of Ed shifting in his bed. "Oh, you're awake," she said, snapping her phone shut. She scanned him up and down as he stepped out of bed. "Very girly," she said with a grin. "You freak."

"Who are you?" he asked, choosing to ignore her previous comments.

"Me? I'm the writer. Mird." Her phone vibrated and she resumed her speedy-quick texting before pressing "send" and snapping the phone shut again. "And you... you're Ed. Edwina, Edwin, Edith- or something. I haven't really come up with a suitable name yet, that's not really my problem. Readers don't care about details."

Ed stared at her as if he was something undesirable on the bottom of his shoe. "Waitaminute. _You_ turned me into a girl?"

"This time, yeah," Mird replied. "But I don't usually. This is the first time you've become female at my hands... Or maybe the second time. No, the third..." She paused, looking thoughtful. "The point is, it's for your own protection. Kind of. No, actually it's just for cheap gigglies. But you've been in 13,662 fics on this site alone. You've been subjected to worse."

Ed continued to stare. Normally, his TorturersImeanwriters didn't present themselves for judgment. He couldn't count the number of times he'd imagined himself taking violent action against the people who made him prance around as a chimera and kiss his brother and sob his eyes out on Roy's shoulder, but now that the opportunity had presented himself, his mind felt like a big glob of play-doh, (3) and he couldn't bring himself to make the important decision of which part of her to attack first.

"Allow me to explain," Mird said, which she followed with a tiny hem-hem cough worthy of Umbridge. "The Fanfiction Police are after Raiven, who is an illegal Mary Sue. I can't allow them to catch her. As endlessly irritating as she is, she's still a crucial part of the plot. We can't allow her to be captured." She paused. "Actually, we _can_ allow her to be captured, and we will, but not until the plot has developed further."

"So... Why exactly am I a girl?" Ed asked, thus continuing the useless, never-ending info-dump.

"Besides the obvious cheap-lolz, you mean?" Mird clarified as she sent another speedyquick text. "I'm getting there. See, the Fanfiction Police were keeping track of Raiven with a big, magical, supercomputer- they were also watching you and Luna and other main characters, for safety reasons. Except for Al, because nobody cares about him."

Ed opened his mouth in protest, then shut it again. It is true. Nobody cares about Al.

"The trackerscannerthing latches on to your DNA and shows where you are on a screenthing," Mird explained. "But if you switch your gender, your DNA changes! Somehow. I'm not really sure, I didn't learn anything in science this year, my teacher's a dingbat." Here, she giggled, because the word 'dingbat' makes her giggle. "The point is, the fact that I switched your gender means that the Fanfiction Police can't track you with technology anymore- they have to track you down manually. Which shouldn't be that hard, since there only like four cities in fanfic-Amestris. But, I mean, it's a start."

After Mird finished talking, there was a stretch of silence before Ed voiced his reaction.

"Your explanation disappoints me."

"I don't care," said Mird. "Now stop talking. I'm gonna, like, leave now. You go out there and be hilarious for our happy little readers!" With that, she waved and disappeared.

* * *

**Luke's an awfully serious fellow, isn't he?**

**(1) Goddammit, this line sounds almost exactly like a line from the first Harry Potter book! I'm sorry for the accidental plagiarism. ;A;**

**(2) Oddly enough, I haven't been able to find many Fem!Ed fics. I'm probably using the wrong searchword or something. I'm guessing 120-130, because I KNOW they're out there.**

**(3) Fun to play with, not to eat!**


	20. Fem Ed

**Hello darlings.**

**So guess what? It's been a month since I updated this. I promise that I will update sooner next time. (SUMBLIMINAL MESSAGE: THAT WAS A LIE!)**

Chapter Twenty

Fem!Ed- In Which Ed Acts Hilariously Female

You might remember that, in the previous chapter, there was a mention of shouting voices. This detail was never elaborated, as you'll also remember, due to the fact that it was totally irrelevant.

It is still totally irrelevant, in the grand scheme of things, but for the sake of patching up as many plotholes as possible, the shouting voices will be included in this chapter.

Raiven and Luna's manly shouts filled the room. Their argument, which revolved around the presumption that there can only be one Ed-dating OC per fic (1), was playing out in the most comical of ways, complete with out-of-context Japanese phrases. Edward ignored them as he stumbled out the door and through a few line breaks

* * *

into Roy's office.

Pause. Explanation.

As a reader of fanfiction, you surely know by now that whenever anything funny happens, there are only two locations in which it can take place: Resembool, or Roy's office.

As a reader of Epic, you also know that Resembool hasn't been forced into the story yet. (Unless it has and I just forgot about it. Which may very well be the case.) Therefore, the most logical course of action is to drag the hilariously female Ed into Roy's office for the hilariously hilarious conversation that's sure to follow.

"Wow," said Roy, "you got tits! And no penis! HAHA, SEX!"

"Shut up, bastard," Ed muttered, making good use of the only swear word he knows for the ten zillionth time.

"I dunno, Colonel, I think she's kinda cute," Havoc said as he watched Ed inquisitively. "Let's put her in a dress because all girls wear dresses all the time and it's absolutely impossible to be feminine while wearing pants."

Riza nodded in agreement as she opened the door to a conveniently placed closet. Inside it was a dress that will receive a ridiculous amount of description for no reason at all, along with a frilly, lacey, adorable bra, and a box of tampons, because fem!Ed is on her period year-round. Cue lame PMS joke.

Ed blushed a brilliant red at the sight of the bra. "Do I really have to wear... _that?_"

"Oh, c'mon," Fuery exclaimed in the most obnoxious and OOC way possible, "just put on the bra!" All the men in the office burst into giggles at the sound of the word "bra."

Grumbling, Ed did as he was told. His rebellious actions were making it difficult for the story to progress—it's much easier when he just shuts up and gets into his lacey undergarments without complaint.

At the sight of Ed in his ladylike clothings, everyone in the office got a nosebleed (because visual humor always translates well into written word) and shouted "KAWAII~!" (because cuteness causes fanfiction characters to have a momentary mental collapse and slip into broken Japanese)

"I'm not cute!" Ed shouted, although no one could hear him over the sound of oh my god is there a hole in my shirt? No seriously, guys, I'm looking down at my shirt, and there's a hole in it. What the fuck? Do maggots climb into my closet and night and eat all my delicious blue fabrics? Or do maggots eat rotting flesh? And moths eat fabric?

Hmm. Guess it doesn't matter.

While Mird was off on her little mini-rant about maggots and holey blue shirts, the funniest joke of the chapter was being said and consequently laughed over. Unfortunately, the readers (that's you!) missed this awe-inspiring, possibly life-changing joke, and were instead granted the wonderful opportunity of reading the author's musings about the dietary habits of different species of insects.

BUT. Back to the matter at hand.

Edward, who is notably untalented in many fields (such as Being Tall, Enjoying Milk, and Spewing Rants That Are Actually Funny), is also extremely skilled in others. The most notable of his talents is his ability to attract mass amounts of stupid fangirls. Another equally useless, if less celebrated, skill is his ability to take any event in his life and make it cause for angst. (2)

So, in some twisted way only clear in his mind, the two facts "I am a girl," and "My brother is a tin can," became intricately and irreversibly connected, to the point where sobbing his eyes out on Roy's shoulder became, once again, the only possible solution.

Just another life in the day of Edward. I mean. Excuse me.

(insert cliffhanger here)

(chapter ends)

(Press alt+F4 to continue)

* * *

**That's all for today, children. Now go get some sleep, you're giving me a headache.**

**(1) Even though neither Luna nor Raiven is actually dating Edward. They're just friends, all of 'em. Just one big threesome of Just Friends.**

**(2) Just kidding. That's only in fanfiction.**


	21. The Perfect Mary Sue

**Hey guys. Sorry it took so long to update… I had appendicitis, and then Halloween happened, and before I knew it, it was NaNoWriMo.**

**Also, sorry this chapter is so terribly unfunny and non-sense-making. I got used to writing serious, novel- style stuff during November. The next chapter will be better, maybe.**

Chapter Twenty One

The Perfect Mary Sue

In Which Jessie Hits Her Hand on a Tree

Jessie didn't know where she was.

On second thought, that was a lie; she knew _exactly_ where she was. She had read too much fanfiction in her days not to know where she was. The circumstances fit perfectly: the boredom, the book, the wish... and most of all, her.

She was fifteen, and she was a fan.

After spending months upon months of her middle school years watching fellow fangirls unload their unrealistic and comically uncomical fantasies into the FFnet, it was impossible for her not to recognize her situation.

She was a self-insert.

Only moments after this brilliant realization struck her, she heard a crash a few feet away.

Pause. Because of all my overly-dramatic rambling at the beginning of this chapter, I never got a chance to mention where she is. You know she knows where she is, but you don't know where she knows she is, that is, if she knows at all.

She's in a forest. It's a really pretty forest with trees that are just starting to lose their leaves, and birds that chirp loudly and constantly and kind of make you want to shoot something. The forest floor was covered in a rainbow of mosses that were squishy to the touch and possibly poisonous. It was a fairy tale setting, and the confused, perfectly proportioned teenage girl only added to the effect.

There was a distant rustling sound in the bushes. Jessie tensed, her eyes narrow. This couldn't possibly be something good... She imagined the following scene; she would lash out and learn that she could fight. She would accidentally clap her hands together and, unexpectedly, be able to use alchemy.

The rustling got closer, and the girl grew even more tense. Suddenly, when it was so close that she could almost smell it, the bushes spread apart and a man jumped out.

Jessie screamed and lashed out wildly with pathetic force. She didn't hit her target- big surprise, she wasn't even swinging in the right direction- and instead her hand came down on a tree.

Pause. Let me explain something to you, dear readers. Hitting a tree hurts. A lot. The pain is so intense that it, I believe, rationalizes the actions of this poor girl. I think that the shock of hitting that tree is what made all of this happen.

When she hit that tree, something in her mind was thrown out of alignment. Its position was skewed and that, my dear readers, is why this girl behaved as she did. She had not planned on going to that pretty little forest in the middle of nowhere. She had not planned on being a super sexy alchemy genius. She had not planned on winning Ed's heart. She had not planned on anything. Jessie's entire role in this story was planned by other, far more sufficient leaders. But even they had not predicted the strange effect that that tree would have on her brain.

Every one of us has potential to be a Mary Sue, dear reader. The particular girl was just lucky enough to reach it.

"Hey," said the man cheerily. "Why'd you hit your hand on a tree?"

Jessie held her ground. "What do you want from me?" she growled, taking up a pathetically inaccurate fighting stance. "I know alchemy! I can rip you to shreds!"

"Sure you can, honey," the man replied. He pulled a bagel from one of his many pockets and offered it to her. "Want one? They're yummy-delicious!"

Jessie eyed it warily, then snatched it up quickly and ate it like a chipmunk.

The audience howled with laughter.

"My name's Johnny," Johnny said. "I draw cocks in windows on rainy days. I like long walks on the beach and require an enormous amount of calcium. And I can be serious sometimes, see?"

Jessie stared at him, suspicious. "How do I know I can trust you?" she asked.

"Whoa, whoa, hey," Johnny said. "'Scuse me, but that's Mary Sue talk. And why are you suddenly so attractive? Did you become a Super Sue when you hit your hand on that tree or something?"

Spoiler alert: she did.

Super Sues are strange, and they are rare. They are created purely by chance. Super Sues are able to be as obnoxiously perfect as they want, and still be loved by everyone—characters _and_ readers. Super Sues can fly and breathe fire and dispense diet pepsi from their you-know-where. Super Sues are the most amazing and majestic creatures known to man.

"You're supposed to be an ordinary high school self insert, but I guess that's not happening," Johnny said. "Oh well, you should still be able to complete the mission just fine."

"I don't have to take orders from you!" Jessie said boldly.

"Yeah, whatever. I have a job for you, Jessie. See, we're trying to track someone down, but our technology malfunctioned because of this whole gender swap fiasco… the point is, she's with the main characters, and we needed someone to track them all down manually."

"So where do I come in?" Jessie asked, lowering her guard. Super Sues can lower their guards whenever they want because they never die. It's pretty cool.

"You're a self-insert OC," Johnny explained, and the readers groaned at the obvious info-dump. "Self-inserts have an uncanny knack for running into main characters purely by coincidence. We just need you to go about your life. Eventually, you'll run into them—it's inevitable. Then you need to slowly fall with Ed, and we'll come in and capture Raiven! Got it?"

Jessie nodded curtly. "I understand," she said. "I'll do it, for the good of the world!"

"Yeah," said Johnny as he pulled a new bagel from his pocket and began munching on it cheerily. "Here's 200 cenz and a paperclip. You should be able to survive on that for a few days."

And with that, he disappeared in a puff of smoke.

* * *

**I… don't really know what I'm doing with Jessie. Whatever. She's important.**

**I'm gonna try to post every Monday night from now on. I WILL TRY MY VERY BEST.**

**And the next cha****pter will be funnier. I promise.**


	22. Writer's Block

**I said I'd post this Monday night, but it's Tuesday morning. Sawwy.**

**I'm such a loser— in the last chapter, I began a self-insert parody, and in this chapter, I AM a self-insert.**

**I'm such a looooooserrrrrrr. (Love me plz, thnx)**

**Raiven is annoying.**

Chapter Twenty Two

Writer's Block— In Which the Characters Are Trapped

Something was off. Ed could sense it. There was just something… not quite right about the whole situation. He was sitting in the couch in his hotel room with his legs draped over the arm rest (what a rebel). Luna and Raiven were sitting on the floor, painting their nails and eating bras because they are girls. Al was just kinda sitting there, being Al. He doesn't do much.

Despite the intense normalness of the situation, something itched the back of his brain. Everything was going great; the four of them were hanging out and having funtimes after an extremely stressful day. It was the perfect time for fluff and humor, and yet…

Ed sighed and rolled onto his back. He was feeling restless— it was like something was just waiting to happen, and yet the moment remained as boring and uneventful as ever.

"That's ridiculous," you say with a laugh. "How could Ed's life _not_ be exciting? Stuff _always_ happens to him! He's always running around and making out with girls and turning into a cat! No moment is uneventful for Edward Elric!"

But, alas, you are wrong.

"I'm booooored," Ed whined, scrunching his face up in frustration.

"Let's play the 'make Ed drink milk' game," Luna suggested. "Forcing someone to do something against their will just to see their reaction is endlessly funny!"

Ed shook his head. "No," he said, "it's actually very, very not-funny. Like this chapter." He sighed. "I'm gonna go outside and advance the plot a bit." With that, Ed got up off his lazy butt and marched determinedly toward the door.

He swung the door open, took a step out, and—

was immediately thrown back inside.

Luna and Raiven leapt to their feet, their eyes clouded with concern. Al didn't do anything because he isn't important.

"Whoa," said Raiven, "are you okay?"

"Raiven," Ed said, "stop talking. I don't like you." He scowled as Luna helped him to his feet. He turned back to the door and tapped the frame experimentally. The air in front of him seemed to shimmer with some sort of strange, reflective light. He reached out tentatively to touch it, and met a strange, stretching sensation. It was like plunging his hand into a bowl full of stiff jello.

"What is it?" Luna breathed, her eyes wide.

Ed shook his head. "I have no idea," he said. "I don't know what it is, and I don't know how to break it."

"Neither do I," groaned a Mysterious Someone. "It's such a pain, y'know?"

The three teenagers spun around, but there was no one there.

"I'm not in there with you," said the Mysterious Someone. The voice echoed loudly around the room. "It's me, Mird. You're trapped in there."

"What?" Ed asked. "How are we _trapped_?"

Mird sighed and, once again, the sound echoed. "The entire room is surrounded by pure Writer's Block," she explained. "I can't get in, and you can't get out. You're stuck."

"Can you fix it?" Raiven asked politely.

Mird paused. "Raiven," she said, "you're annoying. And yeah, I can fix it… but it might take a little time."

Ed glared all around him, unsure of where to direct his anger. "Just try," he said. "I don't want to be stuck in here. It's boring."

"Yeah, yeah, I'm trying," Mird said impatiently. "All I need to do is make something happen… I just need a good starting sentence…"

Ed moaned and groaned and whined and picked his nose a bit. "Hurry upppp," he said, "I'm booooored…"

Mird punched Ed in the face. The end.

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**JUST KIDDING. I don't have writer's block- if I did, I wouldn't have finished this chapter. It was fun to write about, though.**

**Sorry for the lame ending. It was seriously superlame, sorryyyyyy D:**

**Anywaaaaays, I'm kinda running out of material. There are some things that I'm saving for later in the story, so I need a bit of filler stuff. Are there any stories that you see way too often? (Chimera!Ed, Q&A, high school AU, post-CoS, etc.) Let me know! (srsly. do it.)**

**Kay, so hopefully the next update will be on next Monday. But don't get your hopes up.**


	23. O Sexy One

**The Super Sue is, essentially, Jesus— except she's a little more sex-driven.**

**I dunno, I think the first few paragraphs might only be funny to me. Whatever.**

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Chapter Twenty Three

O Sexy One— In Which Jessie Is Destined For Great Things

A goddess was walking down the street.

Heads turned as she passed by. The shy, timid expression on her face, her perfectly straight brown hair, her beautifully proportioned body— all of Jessie's features instantly caught the attention of pedestrians. All the girls wanted to be her. All the guys wanted to be inside of her.

The people of East City had never met a more attractive, kind, and fascinating young woman. In her presence, the blind could see and the lame could walk. During her stay in the town, she had successfully stopped three car crashes, seven murders, and one major earthquake simply by existing. Every man in town stared on with awe— and yet she gave them no thought. She was completely unaware of their feelings towards her, for she was too innocent for such things. **(Flow-ruining author's note: Wow, Jessie is a really interesting and selfless person! I'm subconsciously broadcasting my ideal self into a story because I wish I could be her!)**

Ever since Jessie had walked out of the forest after meeting with that strange man, her mind had been set on a single goal: she wanted to be a state alchemist. She didn't know where this urge came from— hell, she didn't even know she could do alchemy— but she knew that it had to happen. She felt drawn towards it, as if something inside her was telling her where to go.

The citizens were upset to see her go, but they knew it was for the best. She was destined for far greater things; she would be famous one day, and they would all have the pleasure of saying they knew her.

"One ticket to Central City, please," Jessie said politely to the ticket man at the train station. She held out her paperclip and 200 cenz with an oblivious smile on her face.

The man stared back at her. He was about to explain to her that train tickets cost a lot more than 200 cenz and a paperclip, but something stopped him before he could begin.

Her eyes shone with a strange kind of sadness. He could tell, when he looked into her eyes, that her life had been difficult. In those glistening sapphire orbs, he saw pain. Her entire family had been ripped from her in one heart-stopping moment. She had been faced with countless obstacles— and yet she had persevered. She had continued marching forward, unfazed by her tragic past. It was because of this that he held his tongue. He nodded, smiled, and gave her the ticket.

It truly touched his heart to see her smile back.

(Truthfully, her life wasn't all that tragic. So many Mary Sues had passed through this station that the ticket men were used to them. "Attractive teenage girl = tragic past = free train ticket," in their minds. But he means well, really.)

The look of pure joy that adorned Jessie's face as she boarded the train made the hearts of passerby melt. "I'm going to Central!" she announced excitedly. "Would anyone like to hear me explain every detail about my future, even though you normally wouldn't give a shit?"

The other passengers nodded enthusiastically. "It would be a pleasure to hear you speak, O Sexy One."

Jessie grinned at their enthusiasm. "And I would be honored to speak for you, lowly commoners!" With a graceful step and a twirl, she began her story. Her audience looked on eagerly, fully focused on the bullshit that was sure to spew from her mouth.

"I, a poor girl with an implied tragic past, have made the noble decision to become a state alchemist! My half-assed motives for wanting something so life-altering will never be fully explained." She smiled dreamily. "I feel, somewhere deep down in my heart, that this is the right thing to do. I feel drawn towards this, like there's someone waiting for me— I don't know who. Possibly Edward Elric. Probably Edward Elric. I feel like… like we're _meant_ for each other. Just like he's meant for every other OC who has ever crossed his path. But I just know… I'm the one."

There were tears in the eyes of the audience members when she finished her heartfelt speech. "We have faith in you, O Sexy One," they called, their voices thick with emotion.

Jessie smiled out at all of them. "Thank you," she said, "thank you all of you for support!" She took a bow and took her seat and the train chugged onward.

All was well with the world.

(Not really.)

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**Last week I posted the chapter a day late… This week, I'm posting it a day early! Funny how those things work out, right?**

**Jessie's kinda annoying. She's like a second Luna except she's less supercool.**


	24. Dr Doctor

**Sorry it's three weeks late… D:**

**Ed's still a girl, by the way. It's not really relevant anymore, but I just kinda felt the need to throw it out there, since it'll definitely be an important fact later on.**

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Chapter Twenty Four

Dr. Doctor— In Which Ed Almost Dies For the Third Time This Week

Cecilia sighed and rolled her neck. She had been watching Jessie's progress for hours, and she was beginning to feel like it was hopeless. Johnny's idea had been a good one (this is rare), but until it actually started to work, Cecilia couldn't help but feel bitter about it.

Jessie, being a self-insert Sue, would eventually run into the Main Characters, despite their gender. It was inevitable. But until that happened, she had to be watched like a dog— they couldn't afford to miss the moment when their plan paid off. The second she made contact with the Elrics, the fanfiction police would swoop in and grab Raiven, who was sure to be with them.

The only downside to the plan was the fact that Jessie had to be watched constantly. The screen showed her location on a map, as well as an ongoing video of her surroundings, complete with sound. Currently, Jessie was chatting it up with a little girl on the train. Her Sueish charm was irresistible to those around her, Cecilia included. The only good part of watch duty was listening to Jessie speak. Her voice was like a choir of angels (in a really not-annoying way, of course).

Cecilia checked her watch for the seventh time in the last two minutes. She stifled a yawn; another hour and thirty eight minutes to go.

Ed's hand came away from his head covered with a layer of sickening red blood. His entire body was shaking violently—he had, yet again, been seriously injured.

The readers gasped and sobbed at the heart-wrenching description. His limp form was leaning against the wall of a dark alleyway, too far away from the main road for anyone to hear his quiet cries for help. He was the image of desperation and defeat.

Ed sighed as he kept up the act, for the sake of the readers. He had done this so many times now—how did they still find it interesting? In the past month, he had been attacked by fourteen chimeras, twenty three nameless thugs, six insane and somewhat sexy female homunculi, three buses, and one extremely vicious ladybug. It got tiring. Nowadays, he couldn't do anything without getting a gaping head wound.

He let out a choked sob and clutched the back of his head in a vain attempt to stem the bloodflow. "I have to keep going," he said through clenched teeth, "for Al… I can't die yet!"

"We're rooting for you, Edo-kun!" the fangirls cheered. "You're so selfless and strong! Although we're more satisfied when you're weak, defenseless and bleeding! Your pain is our gain!" (1)

Ed dragged himself out from under the cover of the alley and into the pouring rain. He was completely soaked with blood, although that isn't saying much; the kid's got about as much blood as Bella Swan. He could squeeze a few gallons out from a papercut.

He struggled to his feet and clutched a lamppost to catch his breath. Dozens of people passed him each minute, but not a single one of them stopped to help because everyone is cruel to Edward out of pure malice, except for his sextastic OC girlfriends, and that other guy. Al or whatever.

After a few minutes of standing around and moaning in pain, a plot-progressing event took place.

Roy Mustang's car screeched to a halt. He threw the door open and rushed out into the rain, a look of pure panic marring his face. "Edward?" he said, his eyes wide. "What are you— are you okay?"

"I'm fine, DadImeanRoy," Ed growled, "I'm manly and I hide my pain and stuff."

"… that's not funny anymore."

"Yeah, it was never all that funny." Ed sighed. "Just, like, get me to a hospital and stuff. I just had a near-death experience for the third time this week."

Ed's eyes fluttered open. He blinked blearily for a few moments before slowly lifting his head and looking around.

He was sitting in a hospital room. Everything was white, except for the faint blue of his sheets and the window curtains. The only other person in the room was a doctor, who was facing away from Ed.

"Oh," said Ed, "hey Dr. Doctor. It's nice to see you again." His face broke into a relaxed grin.

Dr. Doctor turned around. "Nice to see you, too," he said. "How's the whole finding-the-philosopher's-stone thing going?"  
Ed shook his head. "Not great. I got sidetracked by another wildly attractive and extremely talented teenage girl. Two, actually." He sighed. "It's so hard to be me. So, how's the whole having-a-personality thing going?"

Dr. Doctor grimaced. "No luck. As far as the readers are concerned, I don't exist except when there's a hospital scene. I don't have a life outside this job, I don't have a face—hell, I don't even have a real name."

Ed gave him a sympathetic look. "Don't worry," he said, "I'm sure you'll get a personality sooner or later."  
Dr. Doctor snorted. "Yeah, no. Anyways, you've got the usual. A severe concussion, completely trashed automail, and at least three broken bones— I didn't want to bother checking which ones were broken, so I just put bandages on you at random. The readers don't pay attention to those details, anyways."

Ed grinned. "Thanks, Dr. Doctor. I'll be back next week after my next run-in with death." With that, he stood up and made a move to walk out the door. However, Dr. Doctor stuck his hand out the block him before he had even taken three steps.

"Not so fast," he said. "You nearly died, you know. Everyone You've Ever Loved is waiting outside that door to make tearful speeches over your deathbed!"

Ed sighed. It was going to be a long day.

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**And on that extremely unfunny note, the chapter comes to a close. Are you disappointed? No. Shut up.**

**The next chapter will be EXTREME parental!RoyEd. After that, plus a few more **_**hilarious **_**filler chapters, plot will happen. Are you excited? Yeah! You are!**

**By the way, I love Remus Lupin and Professor Layton. If any of you love them too, please make it known to me in some way so we can sit around and love them together.**


	25. Parental RoyEd

**So a few days ago, I got a random urge to read some parental!RoyEd. I wasted about an hour of my life reading like twenty shitfics, and they were all exactly the same. It sucked.**

**Sorry it's so short!**

Chapter Twenty Five

Parental RoyEd- In which undying love is confessed

Roy sat by Ed's bedside, staring at his young subordinate in dismay. His poor, battered body was sprawled out on the hospital bed in the most pathetic pose possible. He was attached to countless wires and machines, although that doesn't count for much. Edward Elric had a talent; he could be critically wounded doing anything. He was once driven to the ER for a paper cut. (In his defense, it was an exceptionally painful paper cut.)

Roy ran his shaking fingers through his hair. Edward had been unconscious for a full thirteen days, nine hours, thirty two minutes, and eleven seconds.

Twelve seconds.

Thirteen.

_Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock._ This onomatopoeia is somehow meaningful.

Anyways, back to Roy's internal sob-story. Throughout Edward's entire period of unconsciousness, Roy had refused to leave his bedside. The Fuhrer had personally given Roy a vacation, simply so that he could sit and stare at a sleeping, teenage boy for days on end. Yeah. He's _that _dedicated to Edward.

While Roy stared diligently at Ed's lifeless form, the doctor was nowhere to be seen. Nurses bustled around in the waiting room constantly, but it was nearly impossible to find one in a patient's room. After all, visitors are more important than patients. Visitors tend to be Ed's super-attractive-fuck-buddies. Speaking of which…

"Roy," Luna said quietly as she stepped into the room, "are you okay?"

Roy didn't answer.

Luna glanced at Ed and winced. "He looks so weak and innocent," she said in a voice that was nearly a whisper, "and girly. Is this a fanart?"

"It's my fault," Roy said dully. "He lives such a dangerous life because of me. I send him on all these missions… he's trapped in a near-fatal mine collapse almost once a week... And I can't even _count_ the number of times he's been tortured by an insane, motive-less psychopath from God-knows-where. I'm such a terrible person, now pity me and feed me complimentssss!"

Luna wrapped her arm around Roy. "You know that's not true," she said softly. "You're a great person and you're really nice and sexy-hot and stuff. I mean, everyone loves you. Even Ed. Especially Ed."

"What?"

Luna shook her head. "Never mind, it's a bit too early for RoyEd. The point is, once you confess your undying fatherly affection for him, he'll probably wake up in a miraculous cloud of adjectives."

Roy stared at Luna with his mouth hanging open. "You… you're a genius!"

Luna smiled. "I know. Anyways, I have to go and save some more souls and maybe poop out a brick of solid gold or something (1). So, take my advice, and the results will be grand. Toodles!"

Luna disappeared with a puff of smoke, and Roy was once again alone with Ed.

"Edward," he said solemnly, "I don't know if you can hear me saying this… but, in case you die (even though we all know you won't die, I mean it's so fucking obvious), I just wanted to get it out there. I've said this about a million times already, but I'm going to state it here again as if it's actually something new: I've always thought of you… as a son."

Edward's incredibly feminine eyelids fluttered open to reveal two gleaming golden orbs. Roy looked on, amazed, as Ed blinked, his expression portraying pure confusion and, underneath all the pain… love.

It was so fucking beautiful that everyone cried, the end.

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**This is the best thing you've ever read. No, shut up. It's really cool.**

**So guess what? I'm doing this huge giant history project on the Scopes Monkey Trial of 1925 and OHMYGOD IT IS THE BEST THING EVER. If anyone wants to hear me rant endlessly about it, feel free to shoot me a message. I'm a fucking expert. It's so cool.**

**I love you all!**

**(1) What Sues do in their free time**


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